Twilight Potter A deliciously random mix of both
by VeggieVamp
Summary: Voldemort aka Voldy visits the Cullens. They set off on a journey to destroy Harry Potter, wreck his love life and plagiarize the plot of GoF. In this epic tale of COMPLETE RANDOMNESS, get ready to Laugh, Laugh and then laugh some more. A MUST READ!
1. Chapter 1

Twilight Potter (A deliciously random mix of both)

(Author's note: I don't own Stephenie Meyer or J.K Rowling, although sometimes I do wish that I could imperius them and make them bend to my will. I don't own Michael Jackson either. I hope they will forgive me for extreme OOC behaviour from all character. I aim to amuse, not be accurate.)

Chapter 1

"Oh Bella, we have a visitor!" Edward declared from downstairs. The brunette vampire dashed down stairs and gasped before throwing herself into the arms of Tom Riddle. "Oh My Edward, it's Tom! How nice to see you again? How long has it been, fifty years?" She pulled back and gazed again into the pale face with slit like pupils and a snake like nose. "Did you get plastic surgery?"

"Aw, thanks for noticing. It was typical procedure. Some potions, blood and a really ugly baby later, I'm good as new!" Voldy declared proudly. Bella frowned as she tried to remember how humans did plastic surgery.

"Wow," She remarked, "You wizards have weird plastic surgery procedures. You should share some of them with Carlisle. Maybe he'll find them useful." At that moment, most of the family decides to show up. Bella introduced the pale visitor to everybody who greeted him politely.

Esme had invited them all into the sitting room and she was now busying herself in the kitchen, whipping up a batch of cookies nobody would eat. "So, Tom, how's life treating you?" Bella asked with interest. The wizard world was always interesting with their weird customs and Latin spells.

"Oh nothing much, just the typical 'take over the world' and 'kill Harry Potter' thing. Nothing interesting really - Oh, by the way, I'm known as Lord Voldemort now." Riddle said. He looked up as Rosalie entered the room. "Why, hello there." He winked at the blonde. She looked disgusted, insulted and scared, all at the same time.

"Mom! We've got another pedophile in the living room!" Rosalie called out. Emmett snickered. "Hey, Alice, remember that time that hobo got in your room?" Bella glared at everybody to make them shut up and directed her attention back to her old friend.

"Lord Voldemort is so long and formal. Can we just call you Voldy instead?" She made her best puppy face, and it was hard to resist a vampire when they made that face. Voldy reluctantly agreed, but hastily added, "Don't call me that in public though. I have a rep to keep as I'm the darkest sorcerer of all time. I need to build an air of mystery and -" He couldn't finish because everybody burst into laughter.

"YOU? The darkest sorcerer of all time? OH please!" Emmett howled with laughter and nearly fell off the couch, laughing.

Voldy started to make an angry retort, but his mouth was full of the chocolate chip cookies Esme baked. This only made everybody laugh harder. Annoyed, he drew his wand and yelled, "CRUCIO!" The green light hit Alice but she was still laughing. "Hey, stop that. It tickles!" She squealed as she gasped for breath,

Voldy's ego was aching, but for everybody else, it was their side. After about half an hour, when everybody's finally calmed down (although a giggle would escape Bella every so often) Trying to change the subject, Voldy asked, "Who wants to hear my plans to destroy Potter?"

Bella smiled. "If it's doing a favor to you, my family friend, we'll take care of the situation ourselves." Carlisle frowned from the other side of the room. "No killing!" He called out. Edward rolled his eyes, Bella pouted.

Voldy grasped at the opportunity, "How 'bout just plain torturing?" Bella looked at Alice and giggled, "We can do that." Voldy smiled an evil smile, but because he haven't smiled so long, his muscles wouldn't work properly.

"That's an amused smile." Bella noted.

He switched smiles. "That's a bitter smile." Edward noted.

Voldy tried again, rearranging his features into the evilest look possible. "That's a goofy grin." Emmett chortled. "FINE, NO SMILING." Voldy sulked

Voldy stood up. "Well, its time for us to get working on the plan. Come on, you six. I don't think your parents would want to be in on this." Turning to Esme, he said, "And you simply MUST give me the recipe for those chocolate chip cookies. They're so delicious, how the chocolate just melts in your mouth…"

Alice was dragging the wizard out the door. Everybody piled into Alice's Porsche which wasn't really meant for 7 people, but Voldy used his "jiggery pokery' to make the car bigger on the inside.

"Nice. Porsche 911 turbo?" Voldy asked. Alice nodded, her mouth twitching as she fought an amused smile. It was a while before he noticed that we weren't heading to the airport, but the mall. "Um, where are we going?" he asked.

"The mall, of course silly." Alice gushed, "You can't go rule the world and torture wizards without getting the proper attire. Gosh, haven't you read Vampire Weekly?" When Voldy looked confused, Alice tossed him a magazine. "Page fourteen." She said.

Voldy quickly flipped to that page and in a bold font, it read, "Tip #7: When planning to take over the world or torturing a black haired wizard, always dress in winter colors. Go for the natural look and don't let makeup take over. Be your dazzling self!" He closed it, and pouted. "No eyeliner?"

Alice shook her head. Rosalie shook her head again in disgust, "I could never get over you wizard's obsession with eyeliner. Doesn't that Malfoy boy wear eyeliner too?"

"No, Draco only wears foundation and water proof mascara." Voldy said as the car pulled into an empty slot."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

(Author's note: Thank you, Emma and Alora, for letting me use your names and for giving me so many weird and random ideas for my story!)

They were halfway across the parking lot when a girl with surprising red eyes leaped in front of them. Voldy flinched, but everybody else kept their cool.

"Hello, I'm Emma." The nomadic vampire introduced, "I thought I smelled a couple of vampires around here." Rosalie gave her a worried look.

"Er…we're kind of on a top secret mission, and we don't really want to draw attention to ourselves…" The blonde vampire began. Emma knew what she was getting at.

"Oh don't worry. I won't hunt humans in this area." Emma grinned at Voldy, "You don't smell that appetizing anyways. And WHAT in the world are you wearing?" Her voice matched her disgust, "Black robes are like SO eighties."

Alice gave an exasperated sigh. "I've been TRYING to tell him that! He's got as much fashion sense as Jacob Black." Voldy immediately reacted to the name. "Jacob Black? Wasn't he a second cousin of Lupin or something? Ugh, I hate that boy."

Bella opened her mouth angrily for a retort, but Alice had looked up, suddenly interested at this information. "Did you know Sirius Black?" Voldy looked uncomfortable. "Er…one of my death eaters killed him."

Alice looked sad as she said, "I miss him. He used to take me out for long romantic walks on the beach and-" Jasper gave her a bemused look, "WHAT?" "Um…nothing!" She turned to Voldy quickly to change the topic of conversation. "You need to get a new hairstyle."

Voldy looked appalled. "I'm BALD."

"Exactly! And that look doesn't work for you. It worked for James, perhaps, but not for you."

"James?" Edward asked. "I thought you killed him."

"But not before Alice tortured him with makeovers." Emmett chuckled. Alice flashed an all-too-innocent grin.

"Poor James." Bella sighed, and then looked suddenly embarrassed at what she said. Now it was Edward's turn to gasp, "WHAT?"

"I hope this doesn't come between us Edward," Bella begged, "but James and I were a thing, for a while. Please forgive me!"

"HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY BOYFRIEND!" Edward roared. Everybody made frantic shushing noises as everybody around us stared. "This marriage is NOT going to work."

Voldy looked confused. "You guys are married? How come I wasn't invited?"

Bella was looking quite upset and Edward too murderous to answer, so Alice informed him in hushed tones. "Well, we were going to invite you, but you were somewhere in England and we couldn't reach you. Our only British owl was eaten by Emmett," The big vampire gave a sheepish grin. "And American owls aren't really that good at directions in the UK." Voldy understood but still looked disappointed that he missed such an event.

"Oh, Edward, we need to save our marriage! We need a vampire marriage counselor." Bella wailed desperately.

"Because the world is filled with vampire marriage counselors." Edward muttered sarcastically.

Emma raised her hand tentatively. "Actually, I was a vampire marriage counselor in the 1600's." Bella clapped her hands together and beamed. "Excellent!"

Voldy was now shifting back and forth impatiently. "Are we going to get back at Harry Potter or stand around, acting like a soap opera for the rest of your existence?"

"Let's go shopping!" Alice bubbled.

"You two, hold hands!" Emma commanded. Bella grasped Edward's hand firmly as she smiled. He smiled his angelic crooked smile back as they gazed into each other's eyes. "I love you," Bella murmured.

Voldy was crouched in a corner, looking as if he was being tortured by Jane, his hands over his ears. "How can you stand it? There's so much…LOVE!" He moaned. Jasper looked amused as he tasted the air with his ability to know other's emotions.

Rosalie was still scowling. Not once did she smile. "Great, now I'm traveling with two losers. How pathetic."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

(Author's note: Once again I'm thanking Emma and Alora for inspiring me and for writing this chapter with me at 11:34 PM. Thank you guys for putting up with all my weirdness and my scary stuffed animal cat after all these years…er…days.)

Meanwhile, somewhere in London - where British guys talk in sexy accents and drink tea with their pinkies up – Harry Potter, a boy wizard with unusually untidy black hair woke with a start to the burning sensation in his scar. He had just had a vivid dream in which there were chocolate chip cookies and really hot girls.

"Wow." He said, thoroughly dazed as he remembered the pixie like girl with the spiky hair. Then, he remembered some of the events that took place in his unusual dream. "I think Voldemort's trying to kill me…AGAIN. His attempts are getting lamer all the time. I remember last Thursday, when he hid that grenade in my egg salad sandwich. That was just pathetic." He thought aloud. The Dursleys were already preparing for their afternoon tea when they would sit out on their porch, make small talk with their annoying neighbours, eat biscuits and crumpets (which aren't nearly as appetizing as chocolate chip cookies), and raise their pinkies to obscene heights. The only thing Harry had to do was stay out of the way, not get killed by some evil wizard, and avoid run on sentences like the one above.

The summer holidays were drawing to an end and Harry wasn't looking forward to starting his seventh year at Hogwarts. Wanna know why? Well, you see, last year, he had hunted down all the horcruxes but he missed so much school that the school board made him redo his year at Hogwarts. Hermione didn't have to repeat her year because she got accepted at the 'U of SK', or 'University of Snobby Know-it-all's'. Ron was glad to redo the seventh year, heck; he was glad that he didn't have to repeat his sixth year. Anyways, everybody's sick of hearing about the stupid wizards because really, who cares about them anyways? Let's go back to the sexy vampires! (Oh yeah, and Voldy.)

At some random Abercrombie & Fitch store, Alice was trying to force Voldy into a particularly frilly blouse. "The entire metrosexual look is totally in!" She tried to convince him. He just scowled at his reflection in the mirror. Jasper and Emmett sniggered because the sight of Voldy in a sundress and some flip flops was too much.

"This isn't metrosexual, it's just plain gay." Voldy complained as Alice pushed him into the change room with a mini skirt and a tube top. Bella wandered over to the lingerie store, dragging Edward behind her. Emma trailed them, searching for any opportunity to offer more vampire marriage counseling tips.

Rosalie was staring at her reflection in the large fountain that dominated the center of the mall. She noticed how her golden hair fell in gentle waves into her face and how all the guys in the vicinity (from ages 12 to 99) were all staring at her like some gaping idiots. She focused on each perfect patch of her perfect skin while her perfect golden eyes appraised her perfect appearance. Suddenly, she noticed a pair of bright red eyes reflected in the fountain's clear water. The blonde turned suddenly to see a short newborn vampire behind her, grinning widely like she had just seen something extremely amusing.

"What are you looking at?" Rosalie growled. She wasn't nice to anybody, except her little Ootsy-bootsy-shmootsy-bear, Emmett. In her peripheral vision, she saw Edward gag slightly at the use of that nickname as he read her mind.

"Hi. My name is like Alora, and I'm like totally excited 'cause I'm like only like two months old! Oh Em Gee! Isn't that great? I mean like, being a awesome vampire is like waaay cooler than being some lame cheerleader! Ooooh, I like your hair. Like you are like sooo pretty! We should totally hang out together! We could have like slumber parties and like - " The peppy girl gushed.

Rosalie interrupted her. "Do you LIKE ever stop talking?" The short girl didn't even seem to think about it as she replied in a annoyingly cheerful voice, "NOPE."

The beautiful vampire actually smiled. "And are you always this annoying?" Once again, Alora grinned and replied, "YUP."

"This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Now, you see that guy over there?" Rosalie pointed at the pale figure in the distance. He was standing in front of a mirror in a mini dress and arguing with Alice loudly. "I want you to go over there and talk to him. His name is Voldy. Good luck!"

Alora laughed as she skipped, flipped and did cartwheels across the mall and into the crowded store. She loved to annoy people, especially old, bald people. "Hello! My name is Alora! And like I totally love that dress! Don't you? I think you should like totally get it. You know what would go great with those? Pink stilettos! Like they are totally your style!" She looked as if she could go on forever but at that moment, Voldy covered his ears and took off, screaming out of the store.

"I love your shoes!" Alice exclaimed as she pointed at Alora's feet. Alora was excited to meet somebody just as peppy, knowledgeable in fashion and completely annoying as she is. "I know, right? I got them at Sterling at half off! It was like such a good deal and like it came with these awesome polka dotted socks and the manager also gave me like a lemur to go with it but I like ate it."

At that time, Bella, Edward, and Emma walked in. Bella was beaming and carrying several large bags from Victoria's Secret. Edward was smiling too and Emma was looking pleased with her work as a vampire marriage counselor.

Alice sighed. "Well, we've better get a move on, I guess. Bella, can you go fetch Emmett and Jasper from that swimmer's store? I bet they're all drooling over that poster of Michael Phelps in his speedo. And Rosalie, can you please go find Voldy and bring him back here before he goes insane and walks into a bookstore? I don't think he'd want to know what J.K. Rowling had planned for him. Well, that, and he might be trampled by fan girls."

"Why would I go get that pedophile wizard?" Rosalie exclaimed in disgust, her arms crossed over her chest as she pouted.

"I'll get you a mirror the size of your ego." Alice offered.

Rosalie's eyes went wide with disbelief, "Really? They make them that big?!"

Alice shrugged, "I know a guy. Actually, I met him at a café and he wrote love poems to me."

Jasper gasped again. How popular was she with the guys. "WHAT?"

Rosalie gave a firm nod and sped off to find sir Voldy. Alice turned to Alora and struck up another fascinating conversation about how nail polish doesn't work on vampires.

"I know, right? Its sooo annoying! The venom just make them slide right off, no use at all! Like its like sooooo frustrating! Like Oh my gosh. Like." Alora whined, Alice nodded after every word she said so her head looked like one of those bobble head dogs that people put in their cars, except she didn't look like a dog.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

（Author's note: For my previous chapter, I forgot to mention that I don't own Abercrombie & Fitch, Victoria's Secret or Sterlings. But then again, if I did own any of them, then what am I doing, wasting my time on a fan fiction site when I could be out there, spending my billions of dollars. Anyways, I also don't own a mirror the size of Rosalie's ego. Please review because my friends and I are staying up until 1 in the morning to bring you this amazing novel, even though we don't really need sleep, because we are vampires! OH NOES! I just revealed our secret on the internet! Now the Volturi will come and destroy us! So do not be alarmed if I do not update this story tomorrow, actually, you should panic, because I am amazing. And Emma and Alora too. Oh yea, and I don't own Death Cab or Avant hair salon either.）

Harry stared gloomily at the window like the emo, Death Cab listening wizard he is. Ron was snoring loudly beside him, his head nodding over his stash of Bertie Bott's Every Flavoured Beans. Suddenly, he noticed a pack of wolves running alongside the train.

"Ahhh, damn Lupin and his stupid cousins. They breed like freakin' dementors." He sighed to himself. Neville walked into the compartment, shuddering. "That's one mental image I do not need." Neville had been held back too as he missed a lot of the school year.

"Actually, dementors breed using plastic tubing and fruit punch." Luna Lovegood commented as she too, appeared in the compartment's doorway. "Hello Harry. Did I tell you that my father found the existence of human-like vampires? Its true! They have red or gold eyes and they have kidnapped Voldemort!"

Everybody chuckled at her insane theory. They were used to her quoting her father's messed up ideas as fact. Of course nobody believed her. The very thought of human-like vampires was ludicrous.

Everybody chatted over Ron's snoring for the rest of the trip to Hogwarts. He didn't wake up until they were nearly there. "Hey, who ate all my candy?" He complained, his first words when he woke up.

The seventh years all clambered into thestral drawn carriages. Harry felt another painful stab at his scar as Voldemort screamed in pain. His visions overtook him and he vividly saw a brightly lit mall with an extremely annoying voice chattering in the background.

"Harry? Are you okay?" Luna asked in worry. With a gasp, Harry returned to the present. _Wow, that was the weirdest vision I've had of Voldemort, like EVER! Except that time I saw him in the shower. That was just sick_.Harry thought, but quickly got rid of the disgusting mental images as they arrived at Hogwarts.

Ahhh. At last. Hogwarts, his only home. Because his life was nothing more than a whirl of pain and disappointment. His parents and friend's life all ended in a sad tragedy that carves a forever scar into the broken pieces of his heart. The sound of the rain splattering against the fogging windows brought back bitter memories as grief flooded him.

"Hey, Harry. Treacle tart or chocolate pudding?" Ron asked, breaking Harry's emo moment.

Harry shrugged as he made his way out of the Great Hall and towards the Gryffindor common room, "I'm not hungry. I'm going to my dorm room to be alone, listen to The Cure and cut myself."

On a happier note, Alice had finally convinced Voldy to buy that mini dress and she was now leading everybody to the Salon to get new hairstyles. Voldy was struggling but it was no use because Alice had a vice grip on his arm.

"For the last time, Alice, I think BALD really works for me." Voldy complained as Alora flitted about, chattering in that high pitched voice that resembled a stereotypical cheerleader.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Complain, complain, and complain. Jeez, you complain more than Rosalie and Emmett combined! Someday, you will thank me for doing this, like when you're accepting an Oscar or an Emmy."

Voldy actually looked shocked at her statement. "Really? You think I could win an Oscar?" He straightened a little, "Well, I do do a good impression of Tom Cruise."

Emmett giggled like a little school girl. "Hehe, you said doo-doo." Rosalie punched him in the arm, "Be a little mature! You're making me look bad in front of that cute Abercrombie model over there."

Emmett scowled murderously at the said model. Bella decided to intervene before somebody got killed, which was often. Innocent bystanders were always in danger when around Emmett and Rosalie's fights. "I think you guys need a vampire marriage counselor."

Emma stepped forward, grinning at her new clients. "Hello. My name is Emma Ostrander, but you may call me Ms. Awesome."

Emmett grinned. "Can I just call you Emma?"

"NO!" Emma screamed as she slapped him in the face, "It is Ms. Awesome and you will obey my every word or be tortured by my relationship wrecking therapy!"

"I'm having second thoughts on getting a marriage counselor." Emmett stage whispered to Rosalie. "You know, the Volturi would love to have her as one of their interrogation vampires."

"I heard that." Emma glowered at the big vampire, who gave a sheepish grin in response. "I thought you were taught to respect your elders! I'm six hundred and forty-five years old, I deserve some respect!"

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, take care of TCB…" Alora started with her irritating voice.

"SHUT UP!!" Rosalie, Jasper AND Edward screamed at her, causing several shoppers to look around in alarm.

"Ah, here we are. Avant hair salon and skin care." Alice said happily as she ushered Voldy inside. She forced him down in a seat as a bubble gum chewing sixteen year old stepped forward. Bella frowned and made a small growling noise at the back of her throat as she saw the reaction of the girl when she saw Edward.

"Hi. My name is Brianna and I will be your hairdresser today." She snapped her gum loudly, her own hair was done up in a messy knot and the pink highlights in her purple hair clashed horribly against her badly tanned skin.

Alice eyed her skeptically. "Are you sure that you're qualified to style this guy's hair?" She gestured towards Voldy, who was absolutely engrossed in a fashion magazine.

"Um…this guy's BALD." Brianna laughed. "And besides, I don't go through 4 weeks of part time training to get dissed by some girl who's 4 feet tall."

Alice drew herself up to her tallest (which was about 4 foot 8 and a half) and said, "Well, I graduated from beauty school twice and I have three bachelor degrees in hair styling, skin care and styling socks. I spent two years in Lesotho studying the fashion style of Britney Spears, though I conclude that I still do not understand her fashion sense, if she has one at all. I don't consider over sized shirts with no underwear to be a fashion style."

When Brianna looked dumbfounded, Alice grabbed the scissors from the girl's hand and rushed over to Voldy with a huff. "You don't deserve to hold these scissors. You are a disgrace to the world of beauty." Alice concluded.

"Hmm, these flats featured in Seventeen are quite fetching." Voldy exclaimed as Alice shampooed his shiny BALD head.

Jasper wandered over to a distraught Brianna and was now trying to make Alice jealous by flirting with the hair dresser. Unfortunately, this tactic of his did not work as she was too interested in giving Voldy a makeover.

Edward was quoting some dead guy's love poem to Bella as she tried to make sense of what he was saying. Alora had rushed over to the music store to get the CD that 'Respect' is on.

"EMMETT! Stop staring at that girl's chest!" Rosalie screamed as she caught Emmett staring at the candy counter girl. "UGH, you are such a GUY!"

Emmett shrugged. "If I'm not a guy, then I would be a girl. But I'm not a girl, so am I a he-she? But I never got a sex change so I guess I am a guy. Huh. I never thought about that before. I think that's the reason why I have all those ball gowns in my closet."

Emma immediately rushed over to the fighting couple. She sighed and whacked them both on the head, which shut them up right away. "You guys are impossible! I don't know how to deal with you guys. I haven't met a couple that fought like you since my parents. They fought so much that William Shakespeare actually based a tragedy on them."

"Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!" Edward bounced over with his hand raised. "Can I quote on it?" Emma rolled her eyes and turned back to the troubled couple.

"You guys should just talk about your problems. It always helps."

"Well, Emmett started it." Rosalie pouted. "Okay, fine. I will attempt to talk about it. My number one question is, Emmett, why is there a purple hippo living in our bathroom and why is there a penguin with a dunce hat over its head on the toilet?"

Emmett sighed. "Okay. You discovered my secret. Before I was changed, I worked at a circus and the hippo followed me home and wouldn't leave. Then I traveled to Antarctica and found the world's dumbest penguin who also following me home."

Emma threw her hands up in exasperation. "That is it! You two have the strangest minds I have ever come across! Even stranger than that Voldy person."

"I heard that!" Voldy yelled over the blow dryer. Alice had finally convinced him to charm some hair on his head after she lectured him on how he could have done that all along. The sight of Voldy in a mullet made everybody burst into laughter again except this time, his mouth wasn't full of chocolate chip cookies.

"Tanning station, next!" Alice declared as she forced him into one of those UV light things that gives you cancer. "It's a good thing you have horcruxes because this might kill you. Oh well, the price we pay to be beautiful."

"Hardy har har." Edward and Bella muttered but everybody else missed out on the hidden vampiry meaning of the phrase.

"Hey gals! I'm like back from like the music store. Did you know they like sell CDs there? Like isn't that sooo cool? Hey, like, why does like Voldy have like a mullet." Alora bubbled excitedly. "Um, well. Looking good there, Big V."

The now tanned and mullet-fied Voldemort stood in front of them, looking like some sort of long forgotten celebrity who had five minutes of fame on a reality show. "Yes, I do look pretty snazzy if I do say so myself."

Jasper chuckled and Alice pecked him on the cheek. Emmett and Rosalie was not fighting for once as they gathered around Voldy. Bella and Edward stopped their vigorous make out session to join the group.

"Congratulations, Big V, you are now qualified to rule the wizarding world." Alice cheered and everybody else clapped.

"FINALLY! Now can we go to the airport?" Voldy said hopefully. "That took fifteen hours longer than I expected. I don't even know the mall is open 24/7."

"Sure, let's go to the airport now. I just have to make a few stops on the way." Alice said happily as Alora cheered too. "More CDs I hope."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

(Author's note: Once again, I do not own Twilight or Harry Potter, though I wish I did. However, I do own this amazing and original idea of a story. I also own Emma and Alora because they are my best friends and I can make them do whatever I want. Now, Alora, go get me some apple juice. Oh yea, and I don't own Sesame Street. I don't own any songs sung in this chapter. Although who really owns '99 bottles of beer of the mall'? )

Harry was on his way back to the common room when he suddenly ran into Professor Snape who did not resemble Alan Rickman whatsoever and looked more like the Count from Sesame Street.

"Er…good evening, professor. Why are you wandering around Hogwarts when you are dead?" Harry looked confused as Snape looked as sallow as ever, his oily curtains of black hair hung around his face.

"I have not read the final installment in the series; therefore, I have no knowledge that I am deceased. As I do not know this, I cannot be dead. If you are indeed convinced that I am dead, then I can assure you that I am as alive as you and I would think." Snape responded coolly.

Harry tried to make sense of the words. "That sounds like some nutball thing Dumbledore would say." He then pulled out a bottle of 'Head and Shoulders' shampoo and conditioner from his pocket and Snape screamed like a little girl and ran away, his hair remaining as greasy as ever.

He was glad when he finally found comfort in his own bed. Harry leaned back, pressed repeat on an Evanescence song and got out his razor blades.

Meanwhile, in Alice's Porsche, they were driving all the way across United States to the closest international airport, which is in LA. And despite Alice's insane driving, it would take them at least a few hours to get there.

Alora was passing the time by singing '99 bottles of blood on the wall'. Emma was holding a conversation with Emmett and Rosalie about their relationship troubles.

"You know, that racket is really distracting! Can you shut up?" Rosalie finally said as Alora approached 76th bottle of blood on the wall.

"Shut up and drive, shut up and drive, drive, drive…" Alora started again on the top of her lungs. Edward and Bella were being completely ignored as they were making out (again) in a corner. Voldemort was curled up in the trunk, screaming, "WHERE IS ALL THIS LOVE COMING FROM?"

Alora immediately switched songs; it was almost like a reflex. "Where is the love. Where is the love? Where is the love, the love, the love…"

Rosalie clapped both hands over her ears. "Are you mental? What's wrong with you?"

Again, Alora responded by yelling, "My mind's in Disturbia, it's like the darkness is the light…" Edward broke away from Bella to shake his head.

The movement did not go amiss in Alora's perfect eye sight of a new born. "Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it…" Now with dance moves to match.

Everybody tried to ignore Alora's singing as they talked over it. Alice was worrying about the sun as she tried to make the airport before dawn but she didn't think so.

"Ugh, the sun's going to come out soon. We're going to have to park on the high way and wait until the sun goes down again."

"And the suuuun will set for yoooouuuuu…"

"SHUT UP!!" Voldy roared, and he could be heard over Alora's singing.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, don't want to hear it, get out, get out, get out. Get out of my way…" Alora started again. She waved her arms up and down to exaggerate her point but everybody else went back to ignoring her.

"So, Big V," Bella said as the new nickname caught on, "What IS IT that you hate about that Harry Potter?"

"Oh, sooo many things! I could list at least seven off the top of my head." Voldy began but he was interrupted as Alora switched songs yet again.

"THE SEVEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU! YOU'RE VAIN, YOUR GAMES, YOU'RE INSECURE…" Alora started imitating Miley Cyrus.

Alice pulled over on the side of the road as the sun rose over the horizon. Jasper was grasping his face like he wanted to die. Actually, dying seemed pretty good compared to Alora who was now going through Miley Cyrus's complete album.

"Why do you always sing?" Emmett asked out of curiosity.

"Well, you see, when I was changed into a vampire, I was listening to my ipod." Alora stated in a matter-of-fact voice. "Speaking of which, I have a strong craving for armadillo blood."

Emma groaned. "Am I seriously the only one who has a craving for human blood?"

Alice burst into sobs at the mention of her beloved 'Sirius'. Jasper scowled but patted her on the back.

Voldy was silent as everybody else did their own thing. Their time until they can set out again was marked by the rate the sun moves.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

(Author's note: If this story sucks, it's because it's almost 5 in the morning. Alora has actually got drunk and passed out from apple juice, and Emma is going crazy, not that she wasn't crazy before. And I have lost all my creativity and not to mention quite a few IQ points. Now don't get me wrong, I love Harry Potter and Twilight even more, but I just like changing them to make amusing and random scenerios.)

"I could name seven things off the top of my head." Harry's voice came out in a cold, high pitched voice. Something blond brushed against his face. Hair? He was in a tight space, a racket was issuing from somewhere outside the cramped area. He heard somebody yell out before he was awakened by Ron.

"Are you okay?" His best mate was leaning over him, looking extremely worried. Harry scrambled up to gather his blood stained razors from the bed. "I'm fine." He mumbled.

"Fine? You were yelling your head off!" Ron exclaimed, "And why were you singing Miley Cyrus?" Harry was confused. "I don't really remember that. Wait, how do you know muggle singers?"

Ron blushed a dark red as he mumbled something that sounded like, "American muggle singers are sexy." Harry smirked but didn't comment on his mate's answer.

Somewhere, in Alaska, Tanya was building a snowman in the shape of Edward. But we don't really care about them, so let's go back to our main characters.

Alice had her face pressed against the cool glass as she repeated, "I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored…" Rosalie was banging her head on the seat, "You're so annoying. You're so annoying. You're so annoying. You're so annoying…"

Emmett and Jasper were pouring over a playboy magazine centerfold. Alora had actually managed to shut up after hours of singing. Edward had his arms around Bella but he wasn't really doing anything, except being bothered by everybody's thoughts.

Alice: I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored…

Rosalie: They're such losers, They're such losers, They're such losers, They're such losers…

Emmett: She is so smexy, She is so smexy, She is so smexy, She is so smexy…

Big V: Kill Harry Potter, Kill Harry Potter, Kill Harry Potter, Kill Harry Potter…

Alora: Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens…

Emma: Oooh, I could use a whip made from werewolf claws, but that won't shut them up. I need new therapy techniques.

Bella: … chirp, chirp

Cricket: chirp, chirp Why do I chirp when nobody's saying anything? It's so awkward. Gay babies…hehe…gay babies…

After about 12 hours of utter boredom and the occasional Broadway show tune from Alora, the sun had finally set, the sky fading in twilight. Alice immediately sped off. The thrill of road tripping had worn off and Voldy was wishing for some gravol.

"You better not get sick in the trunk, Big V," Edward called out, reading the wizard's mind. "Alice would make you pay dearly."

The airport was well lit and bright as the group entered. Their strange appearance had everybody staring at them in bemusement. Alice, with her bright pink luggage, Rosalie with clothes more fit for a strip club than traveling, Emmett who looked like he was heading to the Olympics, Jasper who looked downright emo as he sulked after Alice, Edward, looking like a male model for cashmere sweaters as he led Bella by the elbow, and finally, they were trailed by Emma and Alora who both looked more than a little insane with bright red eyes. Oh right, and of course, Big V, looking completely out of place with his tan and blond mullet.

When they reached the reception desk, Alice pulled out a million dollar cheque. "Um…9 tickets to England please." The woman behind the desk scanned the available flights and informed them, 'There are no more direct flights there. However, there is one flight that leaves in 5 minutes. It's making a stop in Italy before going to England. Would that be okay with you?"

Alice wanted to argue but Voldy, being the impatient one, agreed hastily and grabbed the boarding passes.

"Are like you like INSANE?" Alora shrieked. "I'm like a newborn but like I even know like who lives in like Italy."

Voldy looked confused, "Um…the Italians live in Italy right?"

Rosalie turned and said in a tone dripping with sarcasm, "No really. The Antarcticans live in Italy."

Voldy looked extremely interested in this information, "Really? I didn't know they moved there. When I went to college, the professor said that Italians lived in Italy and spoke Italian. I know because the first time there was a test on that, I failed."

"Oh My Dracula," Rosalie sighed exasperatedly as she stalked off to get her luggage checked The security guard there was looking dazed as Rosalie stepped forward to be checked for weapons and such.

"The Volturi live in Italy, you dimwit," Jasper snapped as he came up behind Alice, who was hauling several large hot pink suitcases. "They will torture us and kill us and then use us to barbeque their human steaks."

"Yum. I love barbeque." Big V said as he strolled past the x-ray monitor. It revealed his cotton candy, last week's egg salad sandwich, several boxes of Smarties and a pair of 'Friday' underwear.

"Well, the Volturi live in Volterra. There's like a one in a million chance that we would just happen to land there." Alice said. And in a one in a million chance, they landed in Volterra.

"Hey, kids. I have to go grab some donuts because I'm craving donuts from Volterra all of a sudden. I'll be right back." The pilot promised before leaving.

"BELLA!" Emmett growled. Bella looked bewildered. "What did I do?"

"Your stupid bad luck got that stupid pilot to land in stupid Volterra!" He screamed.

"Aww, don't blame Bella. It's not her fault Voldemort's an idiot." Rosalie said.

Alice seemed to be concentrating very hard on the future, searching to see if the Volturi will find them and if they will indeed barbeque them. "I can't see for sure because they don't know that we're here yet. If we are lucky, then we should be able to leave without them ever knowing we were here."

Edward kissed Bella's nose. "I don't think that will happen."

Emma and Alora were both looking worried. Alora was now humming "The witch doctor" under her breath in order to cheer herself up, but failing miserably.

Everybody seemed to be avoiding Voldy, who was sobbing in a corner. "My life is such a tragedy," He wailed. "First both my parents die before I even knew them and the next thing I know, I'm stuck at this dump of an orphanage that has these annoying little kids that teased me because I didn't have the ipod shuffle. Then I get dragged to Hogwarts where all the stupid Slytherin's are like 'You da man! Dude, U B soo awesomest. Be our leader, mister dude.' And even though I wanted to work at an ice cream parlor or sell shoes, they forced me to pursue the evil within me.

"Then I read on stupid Star magazine that some kid with black hair and glasses was going to kill me, so before I had a chance to say 'OH NOES' the stupid Slytherin followers followed me everywhere until I finally said 'OKAY, FINE. I'll go kill this stupid kid, are you happy now? Now get out of my bathroom because this is getting awkward!' Thanks to these stupid following 'Death Eaters' (What a stupid name, who came up with it anyways?) I got myself blown up and bodiless.

"I hadn't really wanted revenge but then one day, Harry Potter accidentally spilled coffee on my new dress robes, and that's the final line. He could kill me, ruin my rep but NOBODY, I repeat, NOBODY, wrecks MY clothes. And when I TRIED to get my revenge, it's got me stuck at an Antarctican airport in Italy and evil vampires obsessed with barbequing stuff are out to get me!" His voice rose to a higher pitch than his already high pitched voice.

Alice sighed and opened her eyes. "Rosalie, slap Voldy for me please. He's going into hysterics and its doing nothing to help me concentrate."

Rosalie looked all too willing to do this task, and Bella watched to make sure she didn't accidentally take his head off or something.

"Ya know what I think? I think we should fight these Volturi peeps." Emmett declared. It was such an Emmett thing to say. "I got a stock of grenades that Voldy WAS going to put in Harry Potter's Pepsi or something."

Rosalie rolled her eyes and smacked him on the back of his head. "Are you mental? Wait, don't answer that. We have a nomadic vampire, a new born and a bunch of us, while Voldy's crying in a corner, complaining about how his life sucks."

"Hey, Edward. Remember that time you said that if the pilot was passed out drunk, you would fly the plane? Why don't you just fly the plane right now? You know, for being vampires and all, you guys are pretty slow." Bella suggested, rolling her eyes.

And so the group escaped and just in time too. The plane rose and zoomed off, leaving the pilot screaming and waving his arms.

Alora was in a visibly better mood as she started singing, "I ate a guy, and I liked it. The taste of his AB negative…"

"Wonderful, she's singing again." Rosalie said sarcastically, but everybody felt cheered by the fact that they weren't going to die (which is usually a happy thing), so nobody stopped her as she went through three rounds of "I ate a guy". "That song like describes me like sooo like well!" Alora said dreamily.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

(Author's note: I appreciate the FIVE reviews I got for my parody song, I ate a guy, and I have also posted a new parody song called, drink it. I'm wondering why I would get so many reviews for something that took me 5 minutes to write and get like none for this story which is taking over my life. So REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! Also, I don't own anything that sounds like I don't own it. Use your common sense.)

The sky was bright blue and cheerful when Harry stepped into the crisp morning air. He was more cheerful because he was listening to Hilary Duff instead of Tokio Hotel. He was actually whistling as he skipped down to the Great Hall, day dreaming of frolicking in the soft clouds with unicorns and butterflies.

Luna was running down the hall, screaming and waving the Daily Prophet over her head. "DADDY WAS RIGHT! HE WAS RIGHT! The vampires have kidnapped Voldemort!"

Harry's eyes snapped open. He stared at the mug shot of Voldemort in the front page of the paper. He grabbed the paper out of Luna's hands and read it quickly.

"Reporters seem to think that you-know-who has disappeared mysteriously on Monday. The last time anybody has spotted him was he-who-must-not-be-named going to the garage. The witness was Lucius Malfoy, for some reason was following him around and calling him 'Darth Vader'

"Investigations began when some of his friends filed a missing person report. We have interrogated many of his so called 'death eaters' and even they do not have a clue where he is. Xenophilius Lovegood has his own theory on the absence of you-know-who.

"Clearly, he has been abducted by human-like vampires. He explained to Rita Skeeter on Thursday. He is clearly insane and out of his mind, says Cornelius Fudge, the former minister of magic. Most of the wizarding community seem to think that Harry Potter, 'The Chosen One' has once and for all, defeated he-who-must-not-be-named in an epic battle of gigantic proportions. Some theories involved Harry, stabbing the dark wizard with a sword. Other theories involved the launching of a nuclear bomb.

"'Nobody knows how the exact events happened, said a certain Dirk Cresswell to the press, 'but one thing is certain. 'The boy who lived' has done it again! He has defeated the darkest sorcerer of all time. At this point, Cresswell also informs us of the 'Potter Party' that is taking place at the Leaky Cauldron. There will be games, refreshments and activities for all witches and wizards of all ages. Please sign up with your local events organizer; it will be two sickles per person. This will cover all food costs and the silent auction. Come this Saturday, it will be Potterific!"

Harry looked up into the admiring eyes of the majority of the school. Ron was sulking in a corner at his mate's new found fame. "Well, I mean, I was pretty terrific," Harry said, "Here's what actually happened. It involved a pirate ship, a meteor, and a couple of pineapples."

"Oooooh," The crowd oooh-ed.

Somewhere in the sky, a super hot vampire was flying a plane to England. And that vampire's name is Bob. No, just kidding, it's Edward, who else would it be? The plane dipped and steadied again as Edward swore loudly. He had lost his concentration because Alora was chanting, "Are we like there yet? Are we like there yet? Are we like there yet?" over and over. And since she was a vampire, and had no need to breathe, she can go on for hours.

Edward gritted his teeth and forced the plane to fly steady as he tried not to scream. Edward doesn't have the best self control, except towards Bella. Except that time when he went ballistic on her and smashed a sixty inch plasma screen TV, but that was another story.

Emmett was having a thumb wrestling match with Jasper. They couldn't do anything else for fear that they might break the plane.

Alice hummed as she brushed more hair coloring into Voldy's hair. "You know," She said. "I think you would get more dates if you had mahogany hair. It suits you."

Voldy looked like he was being tortured, but brightened when she said that. "Do you really think so? I mean, I really do want to move on. I couldn't be still sulking about Minerva after all these years."

Alice laughed, "Of course! I'll get some ads from the classified section. Do you like tall, blonde and Swedish or petite, brunette and American?" Voldy considered this for a second. "Definitely the blonde. _Ja, Ja_."

Emma was cackling manically as she considered her other therapy options. Some of them including a dungeon, some dragons and some coconuts. She didn't realize that she said her ideas out loud until Rosalie interrupted.

"So what? You can make them stick coconuts up their butt?" The blonde muttered. Everybody in the plane laughed and Edward even smiled a little.

Alora started chattering about polka dotted socks again. Alice joined the discussion while Voldy poured over the dating section in the newspaper.

"Oooh, blondes are hot but brunettes are so sexy. Redheads are fiery and they're excellent dancers. I can't make up my mind!" Voldy yelled.

"Really? Victoria wasn't a really great dancer." Bella piped up after having no lines for three chapters.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, HOGWARTS!" Voldy suddenly declared, pointing out the window.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

(Author's note: I give **LolliliciousLolly** credit for making up the excellent 'the day the Volvo died' video, and I don't own the video or the comments made in it. I have only made a reference to it and it would make more sense if you go to Youtube and watch it first.)

(Harry Potter)

"Hey, what's that?" Neville pointed at the sky. A small black dot was flitting about the air. It was still too far away to see but it seemed to be getting closer all the time.

"It's a bird, it's a plane, no, IT'S SUPERMAN!" Dean screamed as he jumped up and down excitedly. He ran back to his dorm to grab a camera. "I want his autograph!"

"No, you guys are so silly," Luna said dreamily. "I think the Martians have finally received my father's invitation for a cocktail party. Then they will take me back to the mother ship." She raised her arms above her head, danced in circles and chanted something in another language under her breath.

"What is going on here?" Harry Potter, the boy who lived (and lied), walked out with mobs of giggling girls trailing him. He was walking weird, like somebody who was trying to impersonate a gangster. Instead of school robes, he was wearing a baggy sweater, jeans that were halfway down his wimpy British ass, and totally covered in bling. (He also had a pimped out broomstick)

""Look, Harry! Over there!" Luna stopped her freakish chanting and pointed at the now bigger dot.

"Stand aside, ladies. Let H-piddy do the work for you. I will get to the bottom of this or my name isn't Harry James Lily Evans Potter." And with that, all the girls swooned and some guys too.

Turning to Ginny, Harry arched his eyebrow and tried his hardest to sound sexy except he is incapable of that. "And baby, you can ride on my broomstick anytime. If I don't come back in an hour, go on without me." He started sobbing while everybody watched with amusement.

After a long time, Ginny finally said, "You know, everybody's staying here at Hogwarts. We're not going anywhere."

(Twilight)

"_Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, HOGWARTS!" Voldy suddenly declared, pointing out the window._

There was a long pause, in which even the cricket didn't bother to make a sound. Then, "What is THAT?" Bella said, her voice strained.

Edward looked worried, "Bella, I hope you're not going to say 'That's a hatchback' because we already went over this ages ago. I thought I said that it'll be fine with some frontal camera angles."

"Enough copyrighting and plagiarism, Edward," Bella snapped, "I meant, WHAT IS THAT?" She pointed out the plane window, and indeed, in the place where Voldy said Hogwarts was, there stood a heap of junk.

"That's UGLY! You went to school there? The color scheme is all off!" Alice exclaimed. Alora started talking in lightning speeds again.

"Yea, I mean, that is like, soo ugly! I would like never like go to that school, because it is like the worst school in like ever. Its totally just a heap of rubbish! Isn't that what you like Britons like, say? Rubbish? Like that like totally describes your school. Somebody as cool as like me, can't even stand to be in like within 100 meters of that ugly like school thingy."

"Of course!" Voldy clapped a hand to his forehead, "you peoples aren't magical, and so you can't see Hogwarts! All you can see is a junk yard and an unfinished construction site."

Jasper snorted. "We SPARKLE, that not magic enough for you wizards?"

Voldy shook his head. "You are MYTHICAL, not MAGICAL. There is a difference."

Bella looked confused. "There is?"

Voldy explained, "Well sure. Mythical is like vampires and werewolves and stuff. Magical is more like witches and fairies and Cinderella."

Bella seemed to understand. "Well, I guess I'm no Cinderella." Edward wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close against his side.

"Are you kidding?" He whispered, "You will always be my princess, my Kissy-Wissy-Tickley Tummy."

Bella smiled back as they stared adoringly into each other's eyes, "As you are mine, my smoochy-wootchy-boochy-koochy."

Voldy actually threw up a little while Emmett looked like he wished he could throw up too. But of course he couldn't because he was a MYTHICAL vampire.

"Just trust me." Voldemort said once he composed himself, "I'll show you where to land and once you get inside, you'll be able to see the castle."

The plane turned and Edward landed it perfectly with one hand. And indeed, they could now see the gigantic castle and towers that stood around them. They were parked on one of the largest lawns they have ever seen in their life, er, existence.

"Ahh, Hogwarts. It's good to be back." Voldemort sighed. Then he spotted the gigantic tree behind them, ready to attack. "Look out?"

"Huh?" Emmett said then, WHACK! The whomping willow's trunk caught Emmett's shoulder, but it didn't affect him at all. He didn't even move. "What in the name of Dracula is that?" Before Voldy could respond however, the big vampire had chopped the tree into a neat stack of firewood in less than a second.

"Well, then, what have we here?"

(Harry Potter AND Twilight now)

Harry was shoved aside as a bat like figure swept forward. Snape's voice tsked, "Well well well, what have we here?" Everybody crowded around the airplane to sneak a peek at their new visitors. The beauty of the visitors took his breath away. Each of them was strikingly beautiful.

"Wanna go hunt down horcruxes, save the world and risk your life with me?" Harry asked Rosalie. She looked disgusted and clung to Emmett as if he were her life line.

"Hey, you're those vampires daddy told me about!" Luna yelled. "Ha, I told you guys they were real." There were murmurs around the mob as they considered this theory.

"Oh no!" Jasper whispered frantically, "They can't know what we are. We have to keep our existence a secret or else we'll be the Volturi's barbeque coals."

Alora did some fast thinking. "Like, hi everybody! Like, no, we are not like vampires. I mean, its not like we like drink blood and like sparkle or anything like that. We are like fashion models from TLC's new reality show, Like Me. We will be like hosting our like first beauty pageant here! Isn't that like exciting?"

The crowd broke off into cheers and whistles as girls squealed and jumped up and down. Everybody thanked Alora under their breath for her quick thinking. She beamed.

"The winner of the pageant will get a hot date with this guy right here." Rosalie announced, her lips twitching. Everybody gathered around closer, wondering which of the three totally gorgeous guys they'll get to date.

"I give you, Big V!" There were cheering and wolf whistles (no, it does not mean werewolves were present) as a tall, tanned guy with mahogany hair stepped into view. All the girls clambered to sign up.

That night, the group was given the astronomy tower to stay in. Voldy was in his footie PJs, with his teddy bear, Mr. Chuckles. "Will somebody read me the 'Tales of Beedle the Bard' and tuck me in?" Voldy asked. Bella sighed and went to do it.

Alice was griping loudly about the lack of fashion the witches and wizards have. "I mean, seriously. Why are they so obsessed with the black robes thing? It's like hello? The eighties called, they want their clothes back. And that stupid witch hat thing that old hag wears? I mean, it's not even October!"

"Don't – call - Minerva – a – hag –or – I – will –make – you – sorry." A growl came from the other side of the room as Voldy growled.

The thought of Voldy hurting anyone had the gang doubling up on the floor, howling with laughter. Emmett pounded the floor, laughing and accidentally punched a hole in it.

"You are so funny." Emma hiccupped. (If vampires can even do that). She had a telescope in her hand, and she looked fascinated as she examined it, murmuring, "I could use this in my therapy!"

Edward looked disgusted at whatever was going through Emma's mind at that moment and he remained silent. Then he tensed, sniffing the air tentatively. "Ugh, that Potter boy's cutting himself. For the first time, I'm not attracted to a mortal's blood. His blood smells like a wet monkey. Don't ask" He added hastily as Rosalie opened her mouth to ask how he knew that.

"I think he's asleep." Bella whispered as she crept back to where everybody sat. Voldy's loud snores filled the room. "Honestly, some of the stories in there are pretty sick. There's one that he has bookmarked and it involves doing weird things to a duck with a pink highlighter. Also, he apparently got Mr. Chuckles at a premier of the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre III'."

"Now, we have a problem" Alice said, "We are going to host a beauty pageant."

"Oh no." Edward groaned, knowing what was coming.

"And being the judges, I think we should at least look the part."

"OH NO." Everybody groaned this time, sensing what was going to follow."

Alice and Alora looked at each other and grinned broadly before shouting, "SHOPPING SPREE!!"


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

(Author's note: You guys are making me sad.  Nobody's reviewing my stories! I get a couple hundred hits per day, is it that hard to review after you finished reading it? Anyways, I don't own Twilight, Harry Potter or any other thing that sounds like I don't own it. And I of course, do not own a mirror the size of Rosalie's ego.)

(Harry Potter)

"Harry, should I wear the plaid mini skirt with the skull leggings or the black skinny jeans with the hot pink belt?" Ginny asked, holding up each in turn for the blinged out Potter to see.

'H-piddy' shook his head at each. "Honestly, Ginny," He remarked, "Why are all your clothes punk? Don't you have anything cheerleader-ish? You'll never win the pageant wearing THAT."

Now, Ginny's not one to cry or burst into hysterical sobs as any normal girl would do by now. She just gave Harry a stare of doom, slapped him across the face, screaming, "YOU ARSE!" before stomping off to the girl's dormitory.

"Are you okay, H-piddy?" All of a sudden, dozens of girls swarmed to his side like wasps attracted to rotting garbage and jockeying for a position on his lap.

"Yo, Courtney, babe, pass me those razors will you?"

"Anything for you, H-Piddy. Would you like me to play Marilyn Manson on the stereo?"

(Twilight)

"What the? Stop that racket at once!" Voldy woke up and yelled, clutching tightly to his souvenir from 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre III'. He was met with eight pairs of dark eyes.

"Hey, Big V, we're like going to like hunt, so like don't get yourself like killed, okay?" Alora called out. Everybody else was already through the door and she shut it behind her. Voldy groaned and fell back onto the pillows.

"These are so uncomfortable; don't they know swan feathers are more comfortable than duck feathers?" He mumbled to himself, and then felt something hard beneath the double mattress and pile of blankets he was lying on. He felt around the floor underneath the box-spring until he found a small, dried pea.

…….

Somewhere in England, around Stratford-upon-Avon, an elderly couple sat outside their porch, sipping their afternoon tea and enjoying their biscuits and crumpets.

"Lady Eileen, dear, your pinky is not quite high enough. Do try and act like a proper lady. It's not America, you know." The old man reminded her. Eileen lifted her pinky as high as it would go.

"I really should get that new pinky yoga book." She sighed, "My pinky's grower weaker and weaker."

Then, suddenly, "Bloody hell? What is that?"

"Mind your language!"

"Look over there!" And the couple saw a strange phenomenon. Their porch faced the forest and they had just seen several trees go down. Right after they saw that, several angels glided past the place where they fell.

"How old is this tea?" The man asked, peering into his cup suspiciously.

…….

"Emmett! Don't play with your food!" Alice snapped as Emmett danced around the enraged bear, making faces.

"What are you, my mother?" He mumbled, and this did not go unnoticed because of the vampires' sensitive hearing. Before he knew it, he was flat on the ground with Alice, growling on top of him. Everybody else sniggered.

"Okay, I get the point. Can you get off me before your freakiness rubs off and contaminates me?" Emmett struggled to pull himself up. Alice stuck her tongue out at her brother before sprinting off to find her own bear.

At that moment, Edward and Bella sprinted back, their clothes singed and burnt. "Whew, that dragon sure was hard to take down." Bella laughed, "But we sure got him. I think that will keep me full for weeks."

"Yes, good thing that knight with the crown on the white horse escaped in time. I might have lost control and ate him too." Edward mused, "He was slightly mental. He was bent on rescuing some princess who's in a deep sleep in a castle somewhere. Poor guy, he needs the asylum."

Somewhere deep within the woods, Alice growled again.

"Dragons? How come we don't get those in the U.S?" Emmett pouted. He raced off to bag himself a dragon too, and Rosalie followed him. Emma dwindled a little while longer before running after them. She probably sensed some more relationship tension between them.

"Wow, you know what? I think Alora actually managed to shut up." Jasper said out loud. A bad mistake however, because the brunette immediately turned and started chattering again. Bella covered her ears and grimaced.

"Guess what? Like, don't like guess, I'll like tell you. I like caught like five bunnies already and they were like so cute I couldn't like eat them. I found some like little person that like asked me to guess his like name, so like I ate him. And then like I found this like cottage with like seven like little people in it and I like ate them too." Alora shared, bouncing up and down, her bright red eyes glistening.

Edward and Jasper groaned. "Alora, I know you're a newborn, but I don't think that gives you the right to go around eating people! You have to break that habit if you want to stick with us."

Alora stuck out her lower lip in a puppy dog pout but agreed reluctantly. There was an awkward silence, in which the cricket struck up another chirping symphony. Loud bickering broke the silence, Rosalie and Emmett were back. Alice trailed them, laughing.

"You two need to work out your problems," Emma was talking to them, "If you can't, I will be forced to try my newest therapy idea."

Rosalie scowled as she turned to Emmett, "I can't believe you flirted with that girl! And made all those false promises too!"

Emmett grinned, "It's not my fault. She was blonde and her hair was so long and pretty. Besides, she knows I can't be serious when I promised I'd be back to help her escape from that tower. I mean, tough parents, right? They're taking 'grounded' to a whole new level. I mean, a tower with no doors and just one window? Talk about extreme."

"Don't make fun of other people's customs, Emmett." Emma scolded, "It's not nice. And Rose, I think you have to loosen up a bit. Emmett is obviously just joking. It would be nice if you learned to trust your husband a little more with your heart, rather your instincts. Except when he offers you chicken blood and tells you it's actually lion blood. Then, you should follow your instincts."

Alice turned to Jasper, "Hey Jazz. Want to do that thing with the place and the other thing with the thing?"

"You mean that place with the thing with THAT thing?"

"What else would I be talking about?"

"Alright, let's go."

"Sometimes, it's like they have their own secret language." Bella sighed, watching them. "Oh well, I guess that comes with being soul mates."

"I-ay ove-Lay ou-Yay." Edward said.

"No, Edward, pig latin doesn't count." Bella rolled her eyes. "We should probably head back when Alice and Jasper get back. I don't trust the other people at Hogwarts to be as dumb as we think they are. They might see through our little scheme and get torches and pitchforks to destroy Voldy. The thought of him all alone in that scary, fashion-less place…" She shuddered.

"I swear, Alice is rubbing off on you." Edward commented.

"Heyy, guys. Are we like going to like hunt or like not? Speaking of liking, don't like you just like love my like polka dotted socks? I know, right? Like like like like like like like isn't it so like cool? Oooh kool-aid? I like love kool-aid! Even as like a vampire! I like the like strawberry like kiwi the like best. Why don't you like be my like best friend? And we could like totally like go shopping together and like gush over hot vampires and like stuff! Then we should like totally have a slumber party and like gossip about like celebs and stuff and we could all like squeal when like Zac Efron comes on like TV…"

"Does she ever shut up?" Edward groaned.

"I know, so annoying." Rosalie gritted her teeth.

"Who likes Zac Efron?" Bella looked disgusted.

"I do." Emmett replied.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

(Author's note: I think I'd better update before you guys kill me. Emma's already looking as if she wanted to try out that coconut tactic, and after she kicked me in the shins and I got a splinter in my butt, I think it's time for me to write chapter 10. Remember that this story would never have happened if it weren't for Stephenie Meyer and J.K Rowling's wonderful creations. Thank you.)

Harry Potter

"Harry, you were mean to Ginny," Hermione's head scolded from the fireplace. "I talked to her just now and she's really upset. She thinks you're cheating on her with that Lavender slut."

Harry Potter, (who should really change his name to Hairy Liar because he lies, and he has a hairy back. Do not ask how I know that because I really don't want to think about how I know that either) rolled his eyes. "Hermione, Hermione, I wouldn't sleep with Lavender in a million years."

Hermione looked relieved as she looked around the common room, "Where's Ronnykins? I miss my kootchy-bear so much."

Harry threw up a little in his mouth while fighting a strange urge to laugh at the same time. Sir Nearly Headless Nick was standing behind him with his arms crossed, and looking sullen. "Did you tell her the reason why I don't sleep with Lavender is because you've got half a dozen prostitutes in your bed?"

"Hey, a guy's got to make the best of what he has," Harry said dismissively. "And also, they're not just prostitutes; they're pretty damn good at pole dancing too."

"Hmm, I'll have to pop in sometime to see." The ghost mumbled to himself as he drifted towards the dormitories. Hermione was too busy making out with Ron to notice the little exchange between Harry and the Gryffindor ghost.

Twilight

Voldy had managed to slip back into his delightful dreams while the others were out hunting. In his dream, he was in his happy place, in a meadow filled with wild flowers and butterflies and unicorns. And he was standing in the middle of it with a machine gun, shooting all of the happiness. He smiled in his sleep.

Suddenly, somebody dumped him out of his bed, and his dream evaporated. Bewildered, he got up from the cold wood floor to see Alora chattering happily above him. "Oh Em Gee, we are like going to like go shopping now and like Alice is totally going to like buy me a like hot pink rubber ducky because it is like so in like style right now!"

The tanned dude groaned and buried his head in his arms. The door opened again and everybody else walked through. Emma was banging her head against her hand, making a loud sound like two rocks hitting each other, while Rosalie and Emmett bickered loudly behind her. Alice had already painted the Astronomy Tower pink and was now decorating it with flower decals.

"Bella and I hunted a dragon." Edward said conversationally, moving the can of paint so Voldy doesn't trip on it. Sometimes, he was even clumsier than the human Bella. It was a surprise how he even managed to get through most of his plan to destroy Harry Potter without seriously injuring himself.

"Wait, what?" Voldy stopped his groaning and looked up. "What did it look like?"

"It was green with purple splotches and all scaly too." Edward recalled with his super vamp memory in that gorgeous, sexy, unbelievably beautiful head of his.

"NOOO! MR.SNUGGLES!" Voldy wailed as he banged the floor with his tiny fists. You can barely hear the sound his hand made against the wooden flooring as he mourned the loss of his pet dragon.

"It was guarding this thing," Alice held up a golden egg. "It has a hinge on it, and when you open it, it kind of sounds like Voldy when Bella and Edward are all lovey dovey."

At the mention of this, Edward and Bella both realized that they had not made out in more than 30 seconds, and so proceeded to do that. Voldy's scrawny hand clutched as his throat as he let out a wordless shriek.

"Yea, like that." Jasper commented.

"Come on! I really want to go shopping!" Alice jumped up and down in obvious hyper mode. You could almost see pink waves of craziness pouring out of her. Voldy started groaning again and threw a telescope at her, which she dodged artfully.

"Oh come on. Don't be so down." Alice grinned, "It'll be great! It's only a three hour drive to the mall." Alora started singing '99 bottles of blood on the wall' loudly right after she said that, probably to emphasize what type of torture she will be inflicting upon everybody in that time period.

"I'm going to steal a car now. Or a couple of broomsticks. I think those thestral things would work too, but I might drink their blood by accident and that's not really good." Alice's voice became faster and faster as she spoke, getting more excited about shopping. The only good thing was that her voice disappeared as she shut the door behind her. Alora followed her a few seconds later.

"Wait. She just said the thestral things," Voldy asked curiously, "How can you guys see them? You could only see them if you've seen death."

"I killed seven people." Rosalie waved from one side of the room.

"I was in a vampire army and I ate Adolf Hitler for breakfast." Jasper said in an almost bored voice.

"I ate serial killers for breakfast too." Edward smiled slightly as his joke. The word 'cereal' was missed by most people. Apparently his sense of humor did not work on anybody.

"I never ate anybody, but I saw Victoria getting her head ripped off." Bella offered.

Voldy suddenly felt insignificant as he heard everybody's tale and sob story. His own seemed weak and boring in comparison. Emmett smirked as he read the wizard's expression.

"And you wonder why we laughed when you said that you were the evilest sorcerer of all time. The only person more innocent that you are is that red teletubbie."

"Are we going or not?" Alice stuck her head through the door and was now glaring impatiently at the group. Emma sighed and dragged herself across the room, "Well, I guess I do need more coconuts after I used the other ones." Once again, Edward looked disgusted by her comment.

"What did she do this time?" Rosalie smirked.

"She fixed Longbottom and Lovegood's relationship problems," Edward grimaced. "I guess his name should be 'Neville Coconutbottom' now."

Rosalie burst out laughing, "She stuck coconuts up that guy's arse?" She fell to the ground laughing, earning a surprised look from all, and a dent in the ground.

"I'm note surprised," Bella rolled her eyes, dragging Edward towards the door. "We can't just keep putting this off, we'll have to get it over with."

The others grudgingly agreed. Voldy was a little bit more frightened of the vampires than he was before. They had experience and coconuts and all he had was a comparison to a teletubbie.

Alice had managed to steal a Lamborghini V12, which was also a bright yellow. Voldy was beginning to think that she had finally replaced her favorite color. He stood corrected as he saw her outfit.

"Wow, Alice. That's a bit, much, don't you think?" Bella gasped. Alice was dressed head to toe in every shade of pink possible. Pink headband, pink earrings, pink bangles, pink halter with a pink sweater. I won't go on because too much pink may cause brain damage.

"I know, isn't it awesome?" Alice twirled. Alora clapped enthusiastically. Everybody else moaned. Voldy had somehow managed to squeeze himself in the trunk again and was screaming at the top of his lungs. Jasper shushed him.

Alice cheered as the car glided smoothly down the road. She was speeding like a rocket and it wouldn't have surprised anybody if the car suddenly took off and flew.

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it gooooees!" Alora sang loudly. Edward and Bella stopped their make out session to glare at the brunette, Emma and Alice were both tapping their feet and bobbing their heads, seeming to enjoy the music. Rosalie chucked a water bottle at Alora's head as if to express her point.

"Stop it, you're driving me crazy!" Rosalie growled.

"Crazy, I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. They told me to get a life, but life is a magazine and a magazine is thirty-five cents. I only had fifteen cents. Darn. Darn reminds me of dung. Dung reminds me of rats. And rats drive me crrraaazzzy. Crazy, I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room…" Alora rambled on.

Rosalie plugged her ears. Voldy started screaming again.

"Scream, at the top of your lungs, everybody's feeling right." Alora sang again.

"Ew, do you even know what that song's about?" Rosalie asked, disgusted. "And besides, you already did this back in chapter five. It's getting kind of tiring, don't you think?"

Alora shrugged, "I just like singing and the author is tired. I just do whatever she tells me to do." Then she shut her mouth with extreme difficulty. Emma was poking at some grocery bags around her feet. "What are these?" She asked.

Alice barely glanced at her as she sped down the highway. "Oh, I stole this car from an old lady coming back from shopping. Those are probably her groceries. Don't touch them, I'm going to have to return this car." She heaved a sigh, "I will have to acquire one of these legally…"

"Oh no. You are not starting that to get me into buying you another car." Edward called. "You have the Porsche. 911 Turbo already."

"I'll have the Porsche if you get this one." Voldy yelled from the trunk.

Emma was now digging through the grocery bags. She examined a watermelon. "Hmmm…"

"That is not going to fit anybody's butt." Emmett said, guessing what she was saying by reading her expression. Alora grimaced at Emma's genuine crestfallen expression.

"We're here!" Alice sang out (again) as the towering building came into view. Voldy shuddered in his spot in the trunk. Alora laughed and bounced on her seat a little.

Rosalie asked, "Do you think they sell mirrors here?"


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Chapter 11

(Author's note: Emma and I are happy that the Volturi did NOT destroy our fellow coven member. Alora is currently recovering from a sprained ankle, not a vampire attack so thank goodness for that. I will update now because waiting for the next chapter to come out is very tiring, as I would very well know. I do not own any of Stephenie Meyer's wonderful creations.)

(Harry Potter)

BANG! BANG! The door shuddered as Ginny, (in her plaid mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and punk boots) hammered away at Harry's door with her little fist. The king of all liars looked up lazily and motioned for his slaves, I mean fans, to open the door. The fuming redhead stood behind it, her hands balled up into little fists.

"YOU ARE NOT THE GUY I THOUGHT I WAS GOING OUT WITH!" She raged at Harry. He was not listening. He was reading the classified section in the newspaper for a new girlfriend so Ginny's speech sounded like "Blah, HARRY! Blah, blah blah blahbbity-blah blah blah!..."

"Oooh, blonde and Swedish. Ja, Ja." He said to himself as he turned the page. Ginny ripped the paper from his hands. "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"

"Ladies, show her out." Harry motioned. And before Ginny knew what was going out, she was thrown from the dormitory by two muscular females.

Then, somewhere behind all that flaming red hair, her brain worked furiously. If she won that beauty pageant, then Harry would have to notice her! And they'll get married and live in a tiny house in the woods with deer and a creek and singing bluebirds and apple pie… She shook her head quickly. "No more Disney movies for you." She scolded herself as she dragged her body back to her own dorm. She will enter, and she will win. She will do everything it takes to win back the guy of her dreams.

She chucked her Avril Lavigne CD in the trash. "There, from now on, I will be known as 'Ginerva'. So sophisticated." The Weasley smiled at her reflection in the mirror before she headed toward the closet.

(Twilight)

"I always knew this day would come! I just didn't know it would be so soon!" Voldy wailed, "And they would say he was so young…"

"Oh, quit being melodramatic. It's not the end of the world. It's just a shopping spree." Alice rolled her eyes as she added another shopping bag to the cart. Edward and Bella tagged along wearily, as if they had seen one too many Alice shopping episodes.

"Hey, like where is like Rosalie?" Alora asked.

"We passed a wall décor store a few seconds back. They have a mirror display out front." Alice turned back and nodded at the blonde who was staring transfixed at the large mirror mounted to the wall, looking hypnotized. Emmett was tugging on her arm but she didn't budge, her jaw open slightly in awe."

Alice sighed and pulled out her cell phone. "Hello? Yes, add thirty more inches to each dimension please. Yes, yes, of course." She shut the phone and sighed.

"What was THAT all about?" Emma asked, curious. She was always curious for anything she could use in her weird and twisted therapy strategies.

"I had to enlarge that mirror I owe Rosalie." Alice sighed. Emma raised an eyebrow. "It's the one I owe her that is the size of her ego. I think it'll be as big as Canada by the end of today." Alice grinned, "Come on! I see pink over there!"

Voldy groaned. Alice seemed to get a kick out of watching him dress up in silly clothes. He didn't even know why he put on that damned red ball gown anyways. Edward sniggered.

"Shut up." He snapped. Alice had spotted her paradise, a countertop filled with every kind of make up imaginable. She rushed over to it and Voldy could see that it took her enormous restraint to keep from given everybody in sight half second full makeovers. He hoped her restraint held. He doesn't think that he would be spared if that ever happened.

"EYE LINER!" She exclaimed and Voldy brightened. Emma rolled her eyes in exasperation before turning to the nearest cashier.

"Excuse me; do you know where the grocery aisle is?" She asked politely. The teenage boy looked dazed by the therapist's apparent vampire beauty as he stuttered, "What-what are you loo-looking fo-for?"

"Tomatoes, potatoes, pomegranates, ooh! And some cantaloupe too!" Emma squealed as she planned out her sick therapy techniques.

Edward and Bella had disappeared to who knows where to continue their last make out session, which was, oh, about three seconds ago. Ever since Emma fixed their relationship problem, they have been the perfect couple, which makes many people wonder if Emma is indeed as brainless as she looks. She might be, because she is the world's first mathematically challenged vampire.

"Let's bring out the red in those beautiful eyes with some blue eye shadow and grey eyeliner!" Alice was sounding more and more like a fashion magazine as she applied make up to Voldy's thin eyelids. A copy of 'Forever Beauty: A Vampire's Guide to Fashion' was open on the counter beside her. The page that it was open to had the heading 'Feeling old fashioned? Try some of these tips to not only fit in with the humans, but dazzle the blood out of them. (Though not literally.)'.

"Where do you like get those like magazines like anyways?" Alora asked, just as curious as Emma, though for different, and less sick yet equally weird reasons.

"Catalogue orders mostly. I have a subscription to all the vampire magazines there are." Alice stated as she pulled out a tube of bright pink lipstick. Voldy eyed it with fear and suspicion in his red irises.

Rosalie finally joined them, carrying several mirrors under her arm. Emmett looked defeated.

"Oh Dracula, I could have bought the whole store! They had so many mirrors!" Rosalie sighed, dropping her stack of mirrors into the overflowing shopping cart. Emmett grimaced and was wearing a look that said 'I tried to stop her'.

Alice pulled out her cell phone again to make another call to the mirror manufacturing company.

Emma walked back with seven grocery bags filled with every kind of round fruit you can think of. Everybody stared at the bulging bags, wondering which of them were going to be her victims – oh sorry, I meant clients.

"Um, Emma. I don't think there are that much relationship problems between vampires, especially since most of them are crazy and prey of innocent humans." Rosalie took a big step away from the therapist.

"Oh, you guys are so silly," Emma laughed, taking out a artichoke (not a fruit, and not that round, but remember that she is mathematically challenged and therefore not that great with geometry) and examining it. "These are for BREAKING up relationships."

"Come again? I thought you were a marriage therapist. Your job is to fix relationships." Emmett pointed out, scratching his head because he was confused, and not because he has lice or a bad dandruff problem.

"If I fix every relationship, I'd be out of a job!" Emma explained, "So when all relationships are fixed and happy, I wreck them. Then the couple would come running to me and I would still be in business. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!" She raised her face to the florescent lighting and cackled, raising her hands formed into claws into the air.

"She has a point." Alice shrugged before turning back to Voldy who was so heavily made over, he looked like he was on the verge of tears.

Finally, after several long hours, Alice had cleared the story of every item and they left, trying to be inconspicuous, but failing, as they looked like they just robbed the mall, and being stalked by a gay male with mental problems and red eyes.

"I. Look. Ridiculous." Voldy growled, now wearing a halter top and a mini skirt. Alice turned to scowl at him.

"You look fine! Anybody who was dressed by moi will always look fabulous."

"So, what are we going to do for our 'reality show'?" Edward asked Bella warily. She shrugged, and replied by hugging Edward tightly and kissing the spot right under his jaw.

"I know! We should like use all those like movie cameras we like bought to make it like realistic! We could all be like judges and we could like do it the way they like do it on TV! Alice could be like the make up artist and like - "

But Alora didn't finish for at that moment, there was a loud click as the doors locked and the alarm sounded. A booming voice rang over the intercom.

"Shoppers and customers, please remain calm. There has been a report of a suspicious male in make up and a skirt. The mall is now in lock down mode. Please head over to the nearest store and remain in that area. I repeat, do not panic."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Chapter 12

(Author's note: I know you're all wondering: When will this story end? My answer? : How long does a vampire who doesn't get into any trouble live? Exactly. It goes on and on and on. I might end it SOME time but I have no real plot planned. I'm just going to write and see where this takes me. Oh yeah, and sorry about all the description about people's clothing. Being a girl, I like clothes very much. Oh yes, and many people asked about the Voldemort cross dressing thing. My only explanation is that I am weird.)

(Harry Potter)

"Are you sure this is perfume?" Ginny, excuse me, Ginerva asked as she examined a delicate crystal perfume bottle with a type of liquid inside that smelled like a mixture of pig sweat and goat shit.

"Certain!" Colin Creevey insisted, taking a picture of Ginerva, and then pointing his camera at the 'perfume' bottle. "And it's a bargain too! Just five knuts a bottle!"

Ginerva paid the blond boy who then ran off with his camera to the prefect's bathroom. She hoped that he just really needed to go instead of whatever other sick things he had planned. She made her way to her dorm and spritzed the air. It smelled like a farm. And thanks to her better instincts, she did not step through it. The cloud of perfume just hung in the air, killing her nostrils and everyone else's within a five mile radius.

"What is the smell?" A centaur gasped as he was lying under the stars, reading the future with the other half-horses.

"Ahh, new one, you do not understand the centaur's ways," The elder shook his head, "It means somebody the world will be covered in rubber ducks."

"That can't be right." The young centaur scoffed before directing his attention back to the stars.

(Twilight)

"I told you this outfit was a bad idea!" Voldy wailed as Alice tried frantically to gaze into the future, but the commotion around them was too great for them to concentrate.

"That is not my fault," Alice snapped. "If you hadn't crucio-ed that woman who was going to get that last Louise Vuitton purse, we wouldn't be in this mess. You really have to learn to exercise control over your magic!"

The others huddled together hurriedly to discuss what they were going to do. No doubt they would be taken in for questioning and what were they going to do then? Vampires couldn't attract attention to themselves. What if the humans suspected what they really are?

"The Volturi are going to kill us!" Emma wailed. Alora was chattering nervously in the corner. Everybody else decided to run.

"Come on, you two!" Jasper yanked on Alice while Emmett dragged Voldy behind him. There were already cops everywhere and the only safe place was the spot where they were in, but it won't be safe much longer.

"Psst! Follow me!" Somebody motioned for them. Edward stopped hesitantly, and then followed, and everybody else copied him.

The mysterious somebody was leading them into a back entrance and finally pulled them into the storage room. Alora barely contained her squeal of joy when thousands of CDs, make up cases and perfume bottles lined the walls. Even in a time of distress, she will always react to the presence of such things.

"Ooooh, bananas…" Emma wondered over to the vegetable cases where they were stored. The mysterious person threw back his hood, revealing a boy with pale skin, grey eyes (emphasized by water proof mascara) and light blond hair.

"Ahh, Draco." Voldy sighed in relief. The boy seemed to just notice him and immediately jumped back, his eyes narrowing.

"How do you know my name? Are you a stalker or… a pedophile?" Draco Malfoy accused, his whole frame trembling. Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Told him so…" She muttered under her breath. "I've always told him that he acted like a pedophile but did he listen? Noooo…"

"Er…what makes you say that?" Voldy asked, confused. He momentarily forgot that he was tan, with a mahogany mullet, wearing a halter top (that was very revealing, I might say), a mini skirt (which was also very revealing, and in this case, it's a bad thing) and covered in pink eye shadow, and hot pink lipstick. In short, he wasn't convincing Draco of his innocence.

"Okay, dude, who are you?" Draco crept a little closer. Jasper was examining the wizard's clothes with great interest. Draco, no doubt, dressed exactly like Jasper. From his studded belt, to the dark skinny jeans and unknown punk band T-shirt. Except in Draco's case, he went the extra mile with the accessories and had a red tie, some converse shoes

"It is I! The Dar - " Voldy opened his mouth to say 'the dark lord' but Alice nudged him in the ribs sharply (and probably breaking several of them too). He had forgotten that he was in disguise and nobody must know he was here.

"I mean, I'm er…Darth Vader!" Voldemort exclaimed valiantly. Everybody stared at him. Draco looked thoroughly confused now.

"Darth Vader? You don't look like him, and I've seen all the Star Wars movies!" Draco's eyes narrowed suspiciously. Emmett let out a loud snort, which he hid in several loud, unconvincing coughs.

"Of course not!" Alora piped up, "He's like on like vacation! And like dark cloaks and like light sabers are like totally not IN."

Draco seemed convinced by the peppy vampire's explanation, so he didn't say anything else. He then disappeared with a small 'pop!' and Rosalie motioned that it was safe for them to go.

"Well, that was strange and extremely random." Bella commented as the group left the storage room. Emma who was carrying large cases of bananas and Alora who was carrying large cases of make up tottered behind them.

"Oooh, let's go see a movie!" Jasper squealed and when everybody dropped what they were holding to stare at his totally out of character behavior, he cleared his throat loudly and said, "uh, I mean, a movie would be good, you know. A movie."

There were several large movie posters outside the wall, but one really attracted their attention. It was dark with a pale man with orange hair, clutching tightly to a brunette with plain features. In big letters underneath the pictures, it read, "Twilight. 21.11.08"

"How strange. It's almost like the movie is based on us." Alice commented, reading the tiny plotline on the bottom of the poster.

"Ew. I don't like it." Bella scoffed, crossing her arms and turning away from the poster.

"It says here that your character falls in love with Edward, a vampire."

"Oooh, never mind. I take that back!"

"Who's playing me?" Rosalie asked curious, then she stopped in her tracks as she gaped at Nikki Reed who was scowling down at everybody. Edward sighed and covered his ears. There was a eerie silence, and then…

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!" Rosalie shrieked. Voldy winced against Emma's side, looking terrified. He did have something to be afraid of. Rosalie looked like she was about to murder somebody, and that somebody was probably the blonde who was posing on the movie poster. "UGH! HOW COULD THEY PICK HER TO PLAY SOMEBODY AS BEAUTIFUL AS ME??"

"I know, the casting is way off." Alice frowned at Ashley Greene who was smiling up at the sky with no apparent care for anything around her.

"I don't know, I would totally date me." Edward remarked. And once again, the random comment caused everybody to drop everything they just picked up (Emma's bananas were turning into a milkshake from being dropped so much) and stare at the vampire.

"Um, I mean, I would totally date Robert Pattinson, I mean, I would totally date - oh, just forget I ever said anything!" Edward broke off into a fit of coughs, which was quite stupid and conspicuous because vampires don't need to cough or clear their throat.

"So, are we up for this movie?" Jasper asked.

"No way." Alice and Rosalie said together, finally agreeing on something for once and Alora nodded her head up and down to show that she did not like the casting either.

"I thought I killed that guy three books ago?" Voldy was studying Rob Pattinson curiously, "Life is so not fair and some people get all the luck. Most people get hit by the Avada Kedavra, and they die. Cedric Diggory gets hit by the Avada Kedavra, and he turns into a hot vampire. How is that fair?"

"


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Chapter 13

(Author's Note: Yes! I got Twilight fonts! I'm so happy, and would type this entire document in 'Zephyr' but then it will be extremely annoying to read and also because does not accept that font. Anyways, thank you for all the great reviews! I still have a hangover from the last one. Keep them coming! It's nice to know that I'm appreciated. This chapter is dedicated to Catherine for being a worthy Twilight buddy, and for providing details that allows me to read Breaking Dawn in a whole new light. Remember that I do not own Stephenie Meyer or J.K Rowling's creations. Oh yes, and no offense is meant with me poking fun at Miley Cyrus.)

(Harry Potter)

Ginerva Weasley was having a hard time choosing the perfect dress for the 'Like Me' pageant. She knew that she wouldn't look good in anything without black in it, but to win, she knew she had to wear pink, or purple, or even magenta (which is a truly hideous color that should not be mentioned anymore except in optics). The saleswoman at the dress store was offering her expertise on the different shapes, forms and necklines of dresses, but Ginerva didn't trust her. The saleswoman wasn't a witch and after dating Draco (secretly of course, meaning behind Hairy Liar's hairy back), she would never trust a muggle.

"Ginny!" Luna, wearing an astronaut uniform and a dead poodle on her head, waved at the red head. Neville stood beside her, his hand constantly twitching to his fat behind and grimacing every other second.

"Um, Luna. Hi. It's Ginerva now." Ginerva informed them.

"Oh, how quaint. Can I be Luna Luvnagle?" The blonde chattered happily. The dead poodle

on her head was giving off an awful odor and Ginerva took a step back, slightly disgusted.

"Seriously, Luna, you watch way too much 'Hannah Montana'." Ginerva pointed out. The saleswoman was now talking in hushed tones with the security guard, pointing at Luna. Of course everybody would suspect anybody with a dead dog on their head.

"Oh, I know, Miley Cyrus is my idol. I want to be just like her someday, and be bashed by teenagers everywhere while little kids look up to me with adoring eyes. Then I'll make 'Hannah Montana' just to get more money out of those suckers, even though I have no talent whatsoever." Luna took out a bottle of perfume and sprayed her head.

"Erm…how interesting." Ginerva commented, slowly backing away.

"It was lovely seeing you, Ginny. Do have a nice zero hour!" Luna waved.

"It's GINERVA!"

(Twilight)

After piling all their junk into the trunk (which Voldy enlarged to fit every item in the mall and himself), the gang once again set off for Hogwarts. Rosalie had finally given up the hope that this was some bizarre daydream in an undiscovered region of a vampire's mind. She had come to accept that she was on some unknown mission with no real plan and worst of all; she was going through with it with a whole bunch of fashion-less freaks.

"Yum, what is this stuff? It is strangely addicting." Alora sipped at a mug of brown liquid, well, chugged it, and then filled it up again. Dozens of empty cans dumped around her seat as she opened another one.

"Ew, human food is so gross. It's coffee." Alice told her. "It's supposed to make you hyper and -"

She stopped talking and everybody stared at either Alora, or the coffee mug she held in her hands. Nobody knew what caffeine could do to a vampire because they didn't really have a bloodstream, but since no vampire had ever tried large amounts of coffee, they had no real proof that coffee did not affect vampires. Conclusion? Coffee and Alora is not the best combination, especially when you are all cramped inside a Lamborghini with a coffe-a-holic, peppy, vampire.

"I'm feeling strange, like I want to jump off roofs or something." Alora said, oblivious to everybody else's groans and stares, a strange expression coming over her face.

"What's going on?" Voldy asked from the trunk. Nobody answered him.

"V is for vampires because we are so cool, A is for awesomeness! M is for…" She started singing to a tune that was invented by Spongebob, and therefore is one of the most lethal weapons in the world.

"Hey, Emma, think you can use your psychiatric strategies to cure Alora of her peppiness?" Bella joked.

"Actually, I think I can," Emma stated in a matter-of-factly voice. "I just need some hamsters, a large vat of jello and three Hollywood producers."

"They're all in the trunk if you want them!" Voldy called out in response to Emma's statement.

"Hello there!" A random Hollywood producer yelled.

"How did we manage to buy three Hollywood producers?" Emmett asked, confused.

"That's nothing. Did you hear about the time I almost started a war because I bought Australia and stole all their polka-dotted socks?" Alice laughed, "You should know. It's in the history books we study at school."

"Will somebody tell me why there is a lawyer and a fat, circus guy in the trunk?" Voldy asked loudly. There were several grunts of acknowledgement from the trunk as the lawyer and the fat, circus guy tried to find a comfortable position to sit down.

"Anyways, I think Alora will be fine. 'Will' is the key word in the situation." Emma looked over at Alora, who probably had the strength to break the million layers of duct tape covering her mouth (put on there by Rosalie, and helped by everybody else, except Voldemort of course, and the random people in the trunk), but did not.

"Hey, it's the trash dump!" Emmett pointed to the unfinished construction site, which was used partly as a landfill because of all the garbage.

"Hogwarts!" Voldy corrected, obviously offended by Emmett's statement.

"Dumpster, Hogwarts, whatever. The point is, we're baaaack!" Alice exclaimed. "Ooh, maybe we'll get to use that fighter jet we've got in the back. Or maybe we can take the yacht out on that great lake or whatever it's called."

"We have a yacht? Where?"

"Under my elbow. It's making my hand fall asleep." Voldy complained.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

(Author's note: I know my writing style sucks to the extreme. Remember that this story is based on random conversations with my Twilight obsessed friends and that I have tried to weave the dialogue into the plot which is difficult. I will try harder to make it more narrative. I do not own Twilight or Harry Potter.)

(Twilight)

Since it is a weekend, the gang has decided to start with Twilight rather than Harry Potter. Really, who wants to read about wizards flying around on brooms when you can read about vampires? Especially sexy vampires in England?

Once again, they arrived back at the astronomy tower and were astonished to find the sign up list for the 'beauty pageant' was full. Every spot was taken. It seems that they would have no choice but go through with the plan. Alice had to remind Voldy, sternly of course, that he is not to use grenades. For some strange reason, he enjoyed using them to go through with his schemes.

"You know how like beauty pageants have like tasks and like stuff?" Alora suggested, (the caffeine had finally worn off, and to everybody's disappointment, so did the duct tape.) "We should like do that. Like have like different tasks and like stuff."

"So first task then," Rosalie piped up, "is what?"

"Doesn't this seem like a rip off of the Triwizard Tournament? The entire thing with tasks and it actually being a trap for Harry Potter?" Voldy asked, "Besides, I already know how this ends. After all, it was my plan and I have read the book forty-two times."

"Nerd." Rosalie snorted.

"Egotistic, self-centered, egocentric, selfish, narcissistic vampire." Voldy shot back with a surprisingly large amount of words in his limited vocabulary. This shocked everyone greatly; even more than the day they found out Jacob was gay before he imprinted on Renesmee.

"Anyways, let's get back to the matter at hand," Bella called for order, leaving the two still scowling at each other, "What should the first task be?"

"Make-overs!" Alice squealed excitedly. You could almost hear her thoughts (in Edward's case, certainly) as she planned massive destruction of evil.

"That's what you want to do, Alice. Not necessarily a task." Bella sighed, "The three tasks should each focus on beauty and style, intelligence and wit, and compassion for others. There, that should be good. Now, we would all come up with a task for each category."

"Just don't ask Blondie to come up with the task for 'compassion'." Voldy scoffed, "Her idea of a good task would be for everybody to buy her fancy mirrors."

"Wait, do you think that'll work?" Rosalie stopped examining her reflection and looked up in interest. Alice rolled her eyes, Jasper coughed loudly, Emmett chortled, and Edward grimaced.

"Do Emma's therapeutic strategies work?" Emmett rolled his eyes, like he asked a question similar to, "Do pigs fly?" Emma seemed to think it was more of a "do chickens cluck?" kind of question, and beamed at the big vampire in response.

"You guys are very easily distracted, even for vampires." Bella noted amusedly, before turning to her notebook, "we need an idea for task number one."

"Oooh I know, I know!" Alora jumped up, with her hand in the air. Bella waited for her to speak, but she didn't.

"Er…you may speak?" Bella gestured to Alora, and only then did she lower her hand.

"Sorry, like force of like habit. My like grade ten like teacher was like super strict on like raising your hand before like speaking." Alora apologized, then launched into her long explanation of task number one, filled with so many 'likes' and 'ums' that it got everybody's head spinning.

"Can we get a translation of freak speak?" Rosalie looked at Alice, who stuck her tongue out.

"Alora said that we should have each contestant in a separate room with the same amount of fabric, sewing supplies, and makeup. They're also enchanted so the contestants can't use magic. Then, the participants will have to design and sew their own outfit, then display them on the runway, while being judged by us. That will cover the category of beauty and fashion."

"Wait a minute," Voldy interrupted, "when will the Mwa Ha Ha Kill Harry Potter and Take Over the Wizarding World plan come in? I can't murder a wizard with eyeshadow."

"Actually…" Emma began.

"Shut up." Voldy cut her off before she can ramble on about shoving eye shadow up a drug addict's nose. "I thought the whole reason we came on this trip is to destroy Potter?"

"IT WAS?" Alora, Emma and Alice called out in apparent surprise. Everybody else was clapping their hand to their forehead or looking as if they just remembered.

"Sorry, Tom," Bella apologized, ignoring the angry, "It's Lord Voldemort!". "It's just that it's not everyday that we get to go to England and judge a beauty pageant. Well, we did do it last month for a holiday…but that's not the point. I'm just saying it's kind of an interesting experience for all of us, so please try to have some patience."

"Fine, I'll follow along…for now." Voldy huffed and crossed his arms.

"That's the spirit!" Alora said cheerfully, something which she has too much of. She was like the reigning queen of pep and annoying things.

"If we want to target Potter, we have to hit his weakest link," Jasper smiled darkly, with all the experience of being in armies.

"What's his weakness then?" Bella asked.

"Woman. Hot, beautiful, sexy woman. Kind of like Paris Hilton." Jasper said thoughtfully, earning a gasp and a slap on the head from Alice, who then stated that she was hotter than any celebrity.

"Hey, what about that redhead? Doesn't she hate Potter now or something because he dumped her or something like that?" Emmett asked, totally up to date on the latest Hogwarts gossip.

"Perfect!" Rosalie cackled.

"Wow, Rose, you're right for once. I think we've already got our plan set!" Alice nodded at the blonde, who scowled.

"I wasn't talking about your lame plan. I was talking about my hair. Isn't it perfect?" Rosalie ran her fingers through her long hair, gazing adoringly into her hand mirror.

"Be right back." Alice sighed, leaving the room and flipping open her cell phone in the process.

"Where's she going?" Emma asked, confused.

"To make a call." Edward smiled.

(Harry Potter)

Ahhh, yes. We finally return to the world of magic, due to the fact that certain individuals out there are actually cheering for Hairy Liar, I mean, Harry Potter. (*Chelsea holds up a 'support Potter' sign*)

Harry lounged on his recliner, sipping his lemonade, when Ron rushed into the room. He raised an eyebrow at his friend's sudden appearance but did not say anything. There was an awkward silence, before Ron blurted.

"Voldemort isn't dead!"

"What?" Harry shot straight up, spilling his lemonade on the red and gold carpet. "But tha-that ca-can't be! I killed him! I'm sure I did!" He ran up the stairs and came back down with a copy of 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows'. Ron opened his mouth to say that he could have just used 'accio' but didn't.

"Look! Look there! I killed him, see?" Harry raved like a madman, pointing frantically at the page. Ron leaned forward to read the story he's read more than a million times. To his surprise though, the original text boasting Harry's accomplishments were gone!

"There's nothing there, mate. Trust me on this one." Ron clapped Harry on the back, although he was just as confused. The part where Voldemort should have died was gone, mysteriously wiped clean, leaving behind a blank page.

"Voldemort. Is. Back." Harry whispered, his head spinning. He didn't know if he could pull off the entire hero act again. Last time had been a fluke. What really happened is that Voldemort's not-so-cleverly placed grenades backfired.

"Good luck." Ron sniggered, as he made his way up to the dormitories. He was rejoicing inside. Soon, the boy-who-lived wouldn't be famous and popular anymore, and he, Ron Weasley, will take over the world with hamsters and rubber duckies!

"Dude, I don't ever want to hear your thoughts again." Dean said just as Ron thought aloud.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**(Author's Note: Come on, guys, review! Don't you like this story? Wait, don't answer that. If you do not review, I will be forced to stop updating all my stories. And if you're tired of waiting for the next chapter to come out on this story, go check out my better written story, 'In Sickness and in Health' or, as I would recommend for Harry Potter fans, 'Voldemort Sees a Shrink.")**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or Harry Potter but if I was a wizard instead of a vampire, I could imperius Stephenie Meyer and J.K. Rowling and make them bend to my will.**

(Harry Potter)

The girls screamed excitedly as the gorgeous blonde judge walked on stage with her microphone, announcing the first task. Ginerva listened with rapt attention. This was easy. She had designed her own clothes since the age of three, without magic.

Sometime during the announcement, two other judges bickered in the background while the incredibly handsome 'Big V' leaned casually against the stage with his sunglasses and Armani suit.

He's sexy, Ginerva found herself thinking. I wonder why I've never seen him before…

At that moment though, Harry Potter strutted past with a bunch of screaming fan girls. Ginerva felt the familiar flutter in her heart, but not as strong this time. After all, Hairy Liar wasn't nearly as attractive as 'Big V' who was mysterious and elusive.

"He's pretty," Luna said as she came up behind Ginerva, holding a pomegranate to ward off floffles, pointing at Big V.

"I know," Ginerva sighed, gazing at him appreciatively. "By the way, what's the pomegranate for?"

"Dogs help ward off floffles," Luna said in a matter of fact voice. "And somebody told me that the pomegranate is a dog."

Ginerva gave an exasperated sigh, "That's a Pomeranian, Luna, not a pomegranate. You're supposed to eat pomegranates."

Luna gasped and stepped back in horror. "You eat poor innocent puppies? Now I need a charm to ward you off!" And she rushed away, still muttering 'Pomegranate Eater' under her breath.

(Twilight)

Rosalie announced the task as Alice argued with Alora about what shade of lipstick would go best with polka dotted socks. Voldy kept giving out frustrated groans because he didn't want to wear the uncomfortable suit Alice forced on him.

"What's wrong with wearing black robes," he whined, tugging at his collar and adjusting his sunglasses.

Alice stopped mid sentence to glare at him murderously. Apparently, her ways were not to be questioned unless you enjoyed dying a long painful death.

Edward's brow furrowed as he listened to Ginny's thoughts. Bella sensed his tense attitude, and so wrapped her arms around him. "What's wrong?"

"A complication," he muttered. Rosalie had now retreated to the backroom where they all gathered. "It seems young Ginny there is infatuated with Voldy."

There was a moment of silence. The cricket chirped. Then everybody burst into laughter. Emma gasped for breath as Alice looked like she could cry from laughing so hard. Even Rosalie cracked a smile as Emmett fell to the ground, howling with mirthful laughter.

"Looks like Voldy's got himself a girlfriend!" Alora squealed as she pounded the floor with her fist.

"Is it that hard to believe that somebody fancies me?" Voldy asked, annoyed. "I am a very attractive person."

This had everybody laughing again, while Voldy stood there, looking cross. Finally, order was finally restored when he yelled, "Wouldn't this change our plans though?"

Bella backtracked, "Let's see. We offered that the winner will be declared Miss 2008 and they also scored a hot date with" Giggle, "Big V. If Ginny really do fancy Voldy, then when she wins, Potter will be even more jealous. He will dump all his girlfriends and they will be so heartbroken that they will all hate him and end up killing him. Because Ginny doesn't like Potter anymore, he'll find himself alone and friendless because Weasley doesn't like him either and that Granger kid's too much of a know-it-all."

"Score!" Emmett boomed.

"Okay, am I seriously the only one who thinks he's like a pedophile?" Rosalie screeched, pointing at Voldy, "I mean, he's like a hundred years old and Ginny's like eighteen!"

"I resent that!" Voldy yelled back.

The others left them in a shouting match as they planned and plotted. Voldy didn't notice the Cullens draw up their own plan. To take over the world…

**(Author's Note: Sorry for the short chapter. I'll update soon I promise. I'll just leave you with the suspenseful cliff hanger! Dun dun dun…)**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

**(Author's Note: Sorry, for not updating but I took on a new challenge: To learn French. I mean I learned French a LONG time ago, like elementary. Apparently, to get a scholarship, I need to know two languages, so I've decided to learn French. It's pretty easy so far but the conjunctive stuff is just weird. Anyways, I wrote 'a Twilight Parody Summary' yesterday, and you should all check that out. Anyways, I want Twilight Potter to hit 100 reviews! Or even a thousand! And no, Emma, that does not mean you should post 20 reviews just for the heck of posting. Get your Twilight/Harry Potter fanatic friends to read this! I need more reviews! MAWR!)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or Harry Potter because I have gone temporarily insane from lack of reviews **

(Harry Potter)

Harry Potter's finally starting to realize that being famous had its disadvantages. For the first few days, he basked in the glory of people chasing him for autographs, taking his picture, and following him around. Today, he discovered the worse things that can't be avoided.

"You lot," he yelled, annoyed, "will you all get out of my shower!"

"Harry Potter!" A random reporter screamed, "What type of body wash do you use?"

"Do you shave your legs?"

"Can I go in the shower with you?"

"Why do you keep tampons in your medicine cabinet?"

The constant stream of questions usually had him take off, screaming out the door with nothing but a towel tied around his waist. Then, the mob of squealing fan girls would trample on him.

One night, when he was finally alone (for once) and sitting out on the balcony, gazing out at the beauty of England, he had his epiphany. This lifestyle, although grand, is not for him. He longed for the carefree days when people flung insults and sometimes poop at him, and the long talks with Ginny by the polluted lake.

"Dude, why are you staring at the garbage pile?" Dean Thomas asked as he came in with all the tact of a rutabaga.

****

Ginerva, rooms away in the girl's dorm, had no clue what Harry was thinking because; well, because Edward is special. (I think we can all agree on that). She was busy relearning how to cut cloth and sew. She already had two ball gowns and a bikini made, and was now working on an intricate piece on cloth.

"Behold! It is I, the protector of pomegranates!" Luna strutted in, holding out a chain, from which hung a zucchini.

"Luna, what's the zucchini for?" Ginerva asked, confused.

"To ward off evil pomegranate eaters everywhere!" Luna cried dramatically, raising her arms over her head. Then she did a kind of dance and chant that strongly resembled the rain dance of past cultures.

"Hey, guys. What's up?" Neville said, coming up from behind Luna. He was eating a pomegranate.

"Oh, hi, sweetie," Luna paused in her dance and seemed to be normal again. "What's that you're eating, an orange?"

Neville frowned at the fruit in his hand. "No, it's a pomegranate." He mistook Luna's sickened look as a look of curiosity (which can be very similar at times.) "I'm going on that diet you always wanted me to go on."

"GAH! I'm surrounded by evil animal killers!" Luna cried, sweeping from the room and slamming the door behind her.

"POMERANIAN!" Ginerva shouted after her, exasperated.

"What did I say?" Poor Neville asked, thoroughly confused.

"Nothing, just keep that pomegranate away from my work," Ginerva replied without looking up.

(Twilight)

"I wonder what would happen if you shaved a vampire's head since they don't grow anymore," Emma pondered aloud, spinning a pair of hairdresser's scissors around. Alice, Alora and Rosalie shrank away from it in fear.

Everybody else was getting dressed for the new day. Jasper slipped on his skinny jeans and studded belt. Emmett put on his jersey. Alice tried to decide between hundreds of outfit choices and Bella just threw on a t-shirt and jeans. Alora slapped Voldy away from the robes bin; apparently he had been sneaking towards it, hoping a roomful of vampire wouldn't notice.

"Well, now, when is the first task?" Edward asked, adjusting his tuxedo in the mirror.

"Um…three days from now I think." Emma answered, checking her purse filled with coconuts.

"Let's go to Paris for lunch!" Alice gushed. "We can take the private jet!"

"You mean the plane we stole from that random pilot guy," Bella muttered as everybody clambered on to the plane happily.

****

A hundred miles away…

Aro: Maybe it's time we paid a visit to the Cullens, friends.

Demetri: Most of their family have gone to travel, Master

Aro: Very well, when they have settled, I will give them their gifts

****

**(Author's Note: Sorry again for the short chapter but life has been hectic. Besides, it's either a constant stream of short chapters or a long chapter every two months. Which is better? Exactly.)**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

**(Author's Note: Sorry! My birthday is tomorrow and I needed to plan my party. Anyways, I went to see the Twilight movie with Emma and Alora. I liked it of course, but it just wasn't the book. If you loved the movie, sorry for offending you if I rant about it a little bit in my chapter…subliminally. Also, this story is spinning out of control! I'm taking fanfiction to the next level because I've completely twisted the storyline. Aren't I vamptastical?)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or Harry Potter or the Twilight Movie and its makers or Shakespeare**

(Harry Potter)

Harry Potter hid in the broom closet. Since he had a lot of time on his hands, he contemplated the fact that in all the Harry Potter novels, the characters all seem to hide in broom cupboards. Therefore, this was probably not the best place to hide because it would be the first place anybody would look.

Just as he thought this, a mob of screaming fan girls yanked open the door. Good thing he was in his invisibility cloak, because they attacked the air with their sharp edged paper and dangerous ball point autograph pens. He slipped past unnoticed until he reached an empty recreation room.

Harry locked the door with a charm that cannot be opened with 'Alohomora', and settled into a spot. A muggle invention caught his eye.

He slid the DVD into the player and pressed the play button. The credits started with 'Summit Entertainment' and the title: Twilight. What the fuck? He thought to himself as the movie played. Harry couldn't figure for the life of him why the main guy character had a Russian accent or why he was driving a hatchback.

"There are some mysteries of the universe that remains unsolved," He commented aloud as the movie ended abruptly. Then he fell into a subdued silence, still thinking why every other character had all of two lines each in the entire movie.

****

Ginerva looked up as a mob of screaming girls ran past her, but didn't stop as she rushed into her room with more fabric. She was determined to win the beauty pageant. A hot date with the mysterious 'Big V' was just what she needed to take her mind of Hairy Liar.

Neville hid under her table as she sewed.

"Neville, why are you rocking back and forth under my table, whimpering and sucking your thumb?" Ginerva asked as she cutted.

"It's Luna. She's mad, mad I tell you!" He screeched and went back to sucking his thumb. Ginerva shrugged. Meh, she's seen weirder.

(Twilight)

The plane zoomed through the air. Alora drove one handedly, showing off her loop-de-loops. Voldy finally told her to cut it out because he was getting airsick. Edward looked as if he seriously regretted the decision of letting Alora drive.

"The plane in the air goes round and round, round and round, round and round…" Alora sang as she steered, to the annoying tune of the infamous nursery song. Voldy buried his head in a travel pillow and screamed.

"Stop screaming. I can't concentrate on putting on my make up," Alice complained, jabbing Voldy in the ribs.

"Edward! Oh how I love you!" Bella cried out loud.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Edward replied, and went on to repeat the entire sonnet. Emmett rolled his eyes at his brother's incapability of speaking English.

"Aren't you pretty? Oh yes you are. Oh yes you are," Rosalie cooed at her reflection. Emma hefted a coconut at the blonde's head. It bounced off the vampire's skull with a loud 'thunk' and ricocheted off Emmett's arm, and finally fell out a door which was conveniently open despite the fact that the plane was traveling at six hundred miles per hour.

"Great. Now some mortal's going to die from a coconut to the head. Good going, Emma," Rosalie stuck her tongue out at the vampire therapist who scowled right back.

Hunting in Paris was…weird.

"I never thought I'd say this, but I just ate a bear who was wearing a beret and it had a mustache," Emmett said aloud as all the vampire lounged in a clearing in the forest.

"Ew," was all Rosalie said.

"Wait, I see something," Alice suddenly said, a strange blank look crossing her face as her eyes unfocused. "The Volturi are coming."

Edward immediately sprang up to shield Bella. Bella made a small annoyed noise in her throat. "Right now?"

"Their intentions are good. And yes, they are arriving now."

**(Author's Note: Sorry for the short chapter but I've been super busy. Sorry again!)**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

**(Author's Note: After my hectic birthday, where my friends promptly destroyed all my balloons and streamers, I started to tackle the mountain of homework. Now, I finally have some time to do some good quality writing. As an act of apology and generosity, I will now update all my 'in progress' stories with medium to long chapters. I will award this chapter with a limited edition, exclusive paragraph on the author, which is moi. Now calorie-free with no trans fats.)**

********

**Me: I own Twilight and Harry Potter! *Cackles maniacally***

**Lying detector machine: *beeeeeeeep***

**Me: *Sulks* Fine, I don't own Twilight or Harry Potter. *Drops anvil on machine***

(Harry Potter)

Harry Potter hid in the movie room until the drama geeks showed up. Then he had to apparate as they almost trampled him in their fight to get his autograph. Now I know what you're thinking; you can't apparate from Hogwarts or its grounds up to a certain 2.473 kilometer radius. Seriously, with nerdiness like that, you can be Hermione's clone.

No, see, my reasoning behind this is that Harry Potter is the 'boy who lied'. He managed to stay alive for seven books in which a mentally ill sorcerer is bent on killing him. It's a miracle how Harry, a boy of no actual talent except love, (which he also sucks at. I mean, have you heard his pick up lines and his anniversary presents? It's just horrendous.) survived all that. Anyone who can escape a grenade in their crumpets and tea unscathed is bound to be indestructible.

So since Harry Potter can get away with anything as long as J. makes the money, he escapes another fatal fate by disappearing with a loud crack.

He didn't really think about where he was going. After all, all he cared about was getting as far away from those geeks as possible. Some subconscious of his mind (the very tiny part that actually contains pure love) directed him to Ginny's room. Oooh, drama. Drama is always fun between a couple with problems, but it's more fun when it's between a British couple with problems and English accents.

(Twilight)

Everyone froze in their spots and anticipated what was about to happen. Edward was banging his head against a tree, which fell, so he moved on to the next one, all the while muttering, "Bad Edward, Bad Edward," over and over again; an obvious sign of having read 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets' too many times.

Rosalie was anxious now, and this time, she did not even bicker with Voldy or examine her reflection. This wasn't like the pilot incident. This time, they actually had solid proof that the Volturi will face them. Alice had said it was nothing bad, but how can they be sure?

"Can you see what they want to do?" Jasper asked his soul mate, momentarily forgetting the grudge he held against her for flirting with British guys. Alice closed her eyes and her face fell into an expression of deep concentration. She finally sighed and opened her butterscotch eyes.

"I'm catching flickers. I think they want to give us something," she told everybody.

"Give us something?" Emmett wondered, "Like a punishment?"

"No, it's something material. I'm just wondering why. We're all rich enough to buy the world, so why would we need anything we can just buy at Tiffany's?" Alice sighed again and rubbed her brow wearily. "I guess we should wait."

"We're going to die and I never got to tell my Death Eaters that I hate them and they were horrible friends!" Voldy sobbed again, becoming more hysteric by the second. "Oh, and I wanted revenge on Harry Potter and many more people! Like that women who stole the last Prada bag that was 75% off and that guy who cut in front of me at the line up in Tim Horton's!"

"Rosalie, slap him again for me please," Alice told her sister, who was more than happy to oblige.

"I knew this was stupid and foolish. I should never have let you come with us. It's too dangerous Bella. Our love was not meant to be," Edward told Bella in a dreamy voice, hugging her close to him.

"Our love will not be meant to be any longer if you don't start talking English," Bella said, her voice muffled against his chest.

"Are you okay?" Emma asked Alora who was gripping her cheerleader pompoms tightly. Alora managed to whimper before setting her head down on her knees. The mood was subdued as everybody awaited their fate.

"Why don't you ever help?" Rosalie directed her attention to the vampire scribbling in the corner, annoyed, "You haven't said two words this trip. All you do is write in that stupid notebook of yours and for Heaven's sake, stop narrating in third person."

The vampire looked up, her orange eyes (a result from drinking both human and animal blood) glistening, "Shut up. You're wrecking the story line."

"You know, back in my day," Emma began, trying to distract everyone from the sullen mood, "we girls weren't allowed to write or they would call us a witch and burn us at the stake. We weren't allowed to cross breed rutabagas and bagels either or else we'll be called a witch. Actually, we would also be burned at the stake for not wearing corsets, eating chocolate, cloning humans and testing cosmetic products on animals."

Somewhere in the lonely distance, a goat wearing crimson lipstick and eye shadow bleats. But we don't care about goats, unless they're a midnight snack, so we'll return to the story.

"Um, Emma?" Emmett asked, raising his hand tentively, as if afraid of the wrath of Emma's coconuts, "they didn't invent cloning in the 14th century -"

He was immediately cut off by a sharp whack to the head with an empty coconut shell. "You are to address me as Miss Awesome, and by Miss Awesome only," Emma snapped, "You shall not contradict or go against any word of Miss Awesome, do you understand, Mr. Cullen?"

Emmett whimpered. He was scared, and not of the Volturi.

****

Time stretched on. For vampires, time ceased to mean much. For vampire's and the odd wizard out, time seemed to slow and speed up at the same time. It wasn't long before the vampire's sensitive hearing picked up footsteps in the distance.

"How far?" Edward breathed.

"Two miles, maybe. They'll be here in two minutes."

"I'm going to die!"

"Shut up."

"I want my mommy!"

"Shut up!"

"I want Mr. Chuckles!"

"For the last time, SHUT UP!"

There was a thump and Voldy slumped to the ground unconscious. Rosalie shrugged as if nothing had happened. The trees rustled as the Volturi made their appearance.

Aro, Marcus and Caius led the small group of the Volturi guard. They stopped in the clearing and gazed at the strange party. All the Cullen's and the Hale's were suddenly hit with a wave of Déjà vu.

"Whoa, Déjà vu," Alice said aloud, "Wait, I get that all the time. Never mind then."

"Greetings, friends. We come in peace," Aro greeted them, holding his hand up with two fingers on one side and the remaining three fingers split from the other two. Everybody else, except Voldy who was out cold, copied him.

"We have to get a new greeting. This one make us sound like aliens," Alec muttered to Jane who smiled back grimly.

"I certainly hope your little…er…'group' is not too conspicuous. Am I certain that the humans do not suspect anything?" Caius sneered.

"We are currently residing in a magical place, so the exposure of our existence will not end in tragic consequences, unless you wish to press charges," Edward said smoothly, "They protect their secrets as much as we protect ours."

"Wizards are magical. We are mythical. It is another thing entirely," Caius pressed on, his eyes narrowing. His gaze lingered on the unconscious Voldy.

"Okay, for the last time," Bella exploded, "What is the difference between magical and mythical? We SPARKLE for heaven's sake. Why is that not magical enough for anyone? What do they want us to do, grow wings and fly?"

"We shall not argue today, friends," Aro said, glaring at Caius, who shrank back into the shadows, "Today shall be a day of giving."

"Christmas is in December," Emmett pointed out.

"You using 'shall' too much," Jane whispered in Aro's ear.

"My birthday just passed, but I'll take any mirrors or reflective objects that you may have," Rosalie said, greedy, her hand held out.

"No, these are not for any occasion. These are the eight treasures of the Volturi vault that we guard. An entire wing is dedicated to protecting these artifacts for they contain magical powers that the holder can control," Aro said, gesturing for Felix to bring forward the briefcase containing them.

"Cool, so are we magical now?" Bella asked.

"Wait a minute," Alice said, her eyes narrowing, "if they are that rare, why are you giving them to us?"

"Because we think you are trustworthy enough to be in possession of these items," Aro explained, "And also because we needed room to put my new Lamborghini."

"Oooh, that is a nice car. I drove one once too," Alice said happily. "Yellow of course."

"Really? Mine too!"

"Wow, we have a lot in common. We should have AB negative sometime and talk about cars."

"Um, Alice?" Jasper nudged the vampire, directing her back to the situation.

"So I shall now hand them to you. Keep them safe and use them only when you're in desperate need of them. If you use these to expose our secret…well, you know what us vampyro's do."

"Vampyro?" Emmett asked, confused.

"Vampyro. You know how a pyromaniac is someone who likes burning things? Well, the Volturi certainly do enjoy watching the flames erupt on another and we are vampires, so therefore, we are 'vampyro's'"

"That is a very clever play of words," Edward mused.

"Enough talk about grammar and cars. We could all have a tea party sometime and you can discuss all the English and vehicles you want. Right now, all I want are my presents," Rosalie snapped. She practically panted 'gimme gimme gimme'. She was not one of the people who read the children's books about 'giving and receiving'.

"Well, here they are," Aro said, opening the briefcase. Everybody gasped as they leaned in, basking in the beauty and glory of the magical artifacts. "Behold, the eight artifacts of Ancient Volterra!"

**(Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed my little cliff hanger there. Will update soon!)**


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

**(Author's Note: It's almost Christmas so I'm super busy. The good thing is I won't have school or swimming for 2 whole weeks which gives me plenty of time to write Twilight Potter. *Cheers then whacks everybody on the head who are not cheering* And in case you didn't know because you're dimwitted, the vampire with the orange eyes is me.)**

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**SM and JKR: Yay! We are rich**

**Me: Because SM owns Twilight and JKR owns Harry Potter**

**SM and JKR: Like we said, we're rich! Yippee! *Throws money and dances around***

**Me: boo hoo *sob***

(Harry Potter)

Ginerva was busy. The first task was to start the next day and she still had 468 stitches to learn. Who invented sewing anyways, she wondered with a hint of annoyance, well whoever it is, they must be pretty dumb because this is taking me forever.

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted when Harry Potter popped into the room, coughing.

"Ginny?" He asked, gaping around the room which had once been familiar to him and his eyes lingered on the bed which had once been more than familiar to him.

"Harry?" She asked, evidently caught off guard. "What are you doing in my room?"

"Well I was in this strange movie room with a hot vampire actor who was starring in a movie and - " He stopped because the redhead was giving him a strange look. He quickly edited the strange movie out of his conversation and continued, "Then a whole bunch of people came storming after me like a herd of crumple horned snorcacks so I apparated out of there to the first place my subconscious could think of. Oh don't you see, Ginny? Our love was meant to be!

Ginerva crossed her arms and looked into Harry's bright green eyes. Could she believe him after all the lies he told?

"I'm really sorry Ginny," Harry continued, "Before you...my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars -- points of light & reason. ..And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything"

"That's plagiarism," Ginerva accused, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. "You got that line from Twilight and what were you doing reading that book anyways?"

"Well I have this big crush on Edward Cullen - " Harry stopped himself again because Ginerva was giving him an extremely weirded out look now, "I mean, I had to read it for a book report in Muggle Studies."

"You don't take muggle studies," Ginny pointed out.

"Yeah, well, never mind. I'm just here to say I'm sorry, Ginny. Please give me a second chance," Harry begged profusely, his bright eyes beseeching.

"You mean your 39th chance," Ginny corrected but she was wavered by his sincerity. "I don't know Harry. I think I just need some time. We should just stay friends for now and even that's a big stretch for me."

Harry nodded wordlessly and stumbled from the room, still dazed by the fact that Ginny had went an entire conversation without swearing once, performing rude gestures or slapping/punching anybody in the face, not that he was complaining.

(Twilight)

_"Behold! Tthe eight artifacts of Ancient Volterra!"_

Choirs sounded and the clouds seemed to open up, casting a heavenly glow on the objects gleaming in the bright light. Then…

"Aro, please turn off the CD player and the spotlight. I think you're overdoing it," Alec stage whispered. The 'Hallelujahs' disappeared and same with the bright light.

"Hey, what about us?" Emma yelled, scampering over to look at the objects. Alora was nodding viciously beside her, looking like she'd nod her head off.

"Hmmm, it looks like we conveniently have two extra presents here for you," Aro said, peering into the trunk. "I will now hand them over officially, giving their power to you hands. They will be given to you according to which talent you empower the most."

"Oh cool. I need a new psychology book," Emma said happily.

"Um, it's not a psychology book," Demetri told her while Aro walked over to each one of the coven members with a gift.

"To you, Edward," The old vampire said, "I give you the Evil Book of Shakespearean Doom!" He handed over a large book that was bound in what looked to be human skin. Edward grasped it firmly, smiling in thanks.

"To you, Bella, I give you the Wicked Spatula of Suffering!" Aro gave Bella a golden spatula that was studded with gems. She mouthed 'sweet' under her breath as she examined it.

"To you, Rosalie, I give you the Demonic Mirror of Eternal Sadness!" The mirror frame was dark and metal roses of wrought iron wound around it. Rosalie peered at her reflection and smiled a dazzling smile.

"EXCELLENT!" She shrieked, jumping up and down.

"To you, Emmett, I give you the Vicious Sword of Unhappiness," Aro said, lifting a heavy looking sword from the briefcase. This was a deep red color and the blade was shining silver.

"To you, Alice, I give you the Fiendish Orb of the Condemned!"

"This looks like a magic 8 ball," Alice accused, examining the so called 'orb'.

"Well the makers of the magic had the magic, but they were broke, so all they can afford was a cheap dollar store toy and a really evil sounding name. But it's still magical." Aro informed her. Alice stared at her toy skeptically.

"To you, Emma Ostrander of Ettington, I give you the Sinister Pitchfork of Sorrow!" Emma looked most unhappy at this statement. Apparently, she had been expecting a new psychology book or some more coconuts. She had used all of them but she accepted her gift with good grace anyways. It was better than getting nothing.

"To you, Alora Hopewood of New York City, I give you the Infernal Pom-poms of Depression!" They were cheerleader pom-poms, with colors of black and dark red. Alora grabbed them from Aro and started dancing around with it.

"Hey! What about me?" Jasper spoke up, evidently sad that he was missed.

"Oh yes, I saved yours for last because it's special," Aro said, approaching the blond vampire with the last present.

"What is it? The Satanic Jewel of Downheartedness? The Corruptive Charm of Desolation?" Jasper asked, leaning forward eagerly for any sign of the gothic present.

"No," Aro replied pulling out the ring with a grin and a cheerful voice, "It's the Euphoric Ring of Hyperness!"

"That was unexpected," Alora muttered.

"WHAT?" Jasper exclaimed in disbelief. "No way am I wearing that thing!" The ring was bright pink with a heart on it the size of a baseball. Alice giggled.

"Too bad, you're wearing it. Felix?" Aro called for his guard and in less than two seconds, the ring was on Jasper's finger. The vampire frowned unhappily but didn't take it off. Jasper prefers to be not burning in pieces.

Suddenly, the orange eyed vampire spoke up for the second time in the course of this adventure. "Where's my present."

Aro looked around awkwardly. "Sorry, I do not have another one. Oh wait," He fished in the pockets of his grey cloak until he came up with two sticks of stale gum, a bus ticket and a ball point pen that was out of ink. "Is this good?"

The unknown vampire snatched it out of his hands and smiled. "That's good enough for me." Then she lapsed back into total silence, writing furiously in her notebook again.

"Once again, these items will only be activated in times of extreme danger," Aro warned, already turning to leave, "Please be careful and follow the rules…er…rule. We bade you farewell."

And with that, the UFO descended lower and beamed them up, just like it always does.

**(Author's Note: I loved my presents. Two sticks of gum, a bus ticket and a ball pen! Yay! Why does Aro have a bus ticket anyways? Oh well. I will update soon!)**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

**(Author's Note: Whoa, I'm on chapter 20. I thought this story would crash and burn long before then. Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I love reading them and yes, I read EVERY ONE OF THEM.) The following chapter is dedicated to Viviforevah who very graciously allowed me many more reviews. I hope you get a fill of your favorite characters in this one. (Though they might not be in the best light…*cough cough*Jacob *cough*)**

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**(Sorry. No clever way to make the disclaimer less depressing)**

**I don't own Twilight or Harry Potter (*runs off to cry in a hole*)**

(Harry Potter)

The mob of girls converged in the great hall where all four tables had disappeared and was replaced with a fabulous stage that was glittering in the bright spotlights. The loud chattering filled the room as the girls wondered where the judges were. The first task was to begin in just an hour and there was no sign of the gorgeous 'Big V'.

"I hope he gets here soon," Ginerva muttered anxiously. Neville ran past her, screaming as Luna chased him with something long and sharp, yelling 'DOG EATER!' at the top of her lungs.

****

Harry had gone upstairs to find Ron lying on the bed, frowning up at the ceiling. He knew he had to apologize.

"Hey Ron," Harry said, nudging his friend, "we're still best mates right?" He asked, like only true British hunks do. Ron rolled over in his bed to face Harry, a look of contempt on his face, but he nodded.

"So I'm sorry about all of this in the past couple of weeks. It's been pretty crazy around here and I just wanted to apologize," Harry said sincerely. Ron still looked like he was about to gag out a hairball.

"Is something wrong?" Harry asked curiously.

"Yeah. My birthday present just came from George. He said it had a few weeksdelay because owl mail is slow and something about somebody eating the first few owls before it got here. When they finally found the bodies, they were completely drained, but anyways, he sent me a TOILET SEAT. For BIRTHDAY!" Ron exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. "Quite frankly, I think the entire 'Fred' incident's traumatized him for life.

Harry laughed light heartedly now that he's got his friend back, "He would have sent you that toilet seat even if it weren't for the 'Fred' incident."

Ron's face was even more serious now as he turned back to stare at the ceiling. "Harry?" He asked, "Do you think You-Kn- I mean, Lord Voldemort is still out there?"

Harry plopped down on a nearby bed and put his head in his hands in defeat, "I surely hope not, Ron. I surely hope not."

(Twilight)

"These are fantastic!" Rosalie yelled again as she waved her mirror around. Edward looked about himself and seemed to only realize something.

"Um, Bella. Where's our daughter?" He asked.

"Who? Oh, yes. Renesmee. I left her in the hands of a trustworthy babysitter," Bella said, preoccupied as she examined her 'evil' cooking utensil.

"She's sixteen. She doesn't need a babysitter," Edward reminded her.

"Well, she wanted to have one."

"Who did you hire then? You know that humans can't find out -"

"About our existence. Yada yada yada." Bella finished, rolling her eyes and executing the famous signature Edward eye roll.

"You didn't answer my question. Renesmee is both our responsibilities!" Edward growled, his brown knitting together. Emma perked from examining her pitchfork as the atmosphere grew tenser. She'd use any excuse to practice her techniques and to mooch money off of other vampires.

"Relax, Edward. Why do you have to be such an over-protective martyr? She wanted to spend this period of time at Jacob's place, so I let her."

"Well I guess that's – WHAT? You left her at the dog's place?" Edward gasped, dropping his heavy book of Shakespearean doom on the grass. Bella glared at him.

"I thought you liked Jacob too!" Bella defended, "I happen to trust Jacob. And you know I have this over your head because if I had chosen him instead of you…" Her voice trailed, knowing that's not possible but she wanted to even the playing field a little. His eyes were already making her speechless as she saw the liquid gold harden.

"Would you have?" He whispered, his voice rolling off like velvet, "Am I not making you happy? I mean," He looked away, "if you'd rather spend the rest of your life with Jake, I'd understand."

"Don't be silly!" Bella chuckled hysterically, "I just wanted to throw that out there to see your expression. Of course I wouldn't leave you. Ever! I mean look at Rosalie and Emmett. They're like the world's most dysfunctional couple, but they've been together all these years."

"Hey!" Emmett called, "We resent that!"

"Don't make me break out the coconuts," Emma warned, already armed with a handful of lethal fruit. Bella and Edward stopped their bickering, took one swift look at the coconuts and fled to the jet.

"Well, I guess its time to return. The first task starts in half an hour," Alice announced, following the couple fleeing to the large aircraft.

"Half an hour?" Voldy groaned, rubbing his head and just waking up, "How are we going to get there in time? And what happened? My head hurts."

"Loser," Rosalie mouthed at him as she walked past.

"Nothing much happened. Just get in the jet." Emma nudged Voldy as she walked past and the sorcerer flinched from her touch. Emma had a way of making you feel like one of her patients. It was part of her training.

"Like I said, how are we going to get there in time?" Voldy repeated, strapping on his seatbelt as Alora bounced into the jet.

"Because like I'm like going to like drive the like plane!" Alora squealed, jumping into the pilot's seat for the second time on this trip. Alice smiled nervously and gripping onto her seat. She didn't want to fall out because she knew if she broke through the several layers of metal, she would plummet down to Earth and hit some unknowing human. Then the Volturi would come and kill everyone. How very pleasant.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

**(Author's Note: Thank you, everybody, for sticking with me through this awful story. It's not bad for my first fanfic, right? By the way, the happy feet joke was based on the quote from Eclipse. "I won't let that happen. We'll move to Antarctica!" "Penguins. Lovely.")**

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**I don't own Twilight or Harry Potter **

(Harry Potter)

The lights slowly dimmed and the stage was revealed as the judges strutted onto the stage. The blonde judge actual model-walked down the runway and struck a pose before the big, muscular one pulled her away. They stepped up to introduce themselves.

"Hi," The judge with the mic and the short, black hair said, "My name is Alicia, and I will be one of your judges in this competition."

"My name is Jackson, and I will be one of your judges," The blond male said as the mic was passed down in the line they were standing in.

"My name is Emille, and I will be one of your judges," The muscular one said, passing the mic to the scowling blonde who said in her beautiful voice, "My name is Rosemary and I will be one of your judges."

When the mic was passed to the guy with the untidy bronze hair, there was an outbreak of giggling in the crowd. The girl standing next to him glared at the audience. "My name is um…" He turned to the girl next to him and asked, "What's my name again?"

By the time the introduction was over, Alicia explained the rules of task number one to everybody. They would each be in a separate room of fabrics and supplies. A charm had been cast to prevent them from using their magic and they were to sew their own outfit and present them on the runway in six hours time.

"And…Begin!"

(Twilight)

"Emille?" What kind of a name is Emille? It's like some gay French name," Rosalie exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air once all the contestants were in their own rooms.

"Actually I was thirsty," Emmett shrugged, "In case you didn't notice, Emille is pronounced 'A Meal'."

"How can you be thirsty? We just hunted!"

"Well, sorry if I offended your highness."

"I don't want my husband going around with a gay name -"

"And you wonder why we call you two the most dysfunctional couple ever," Bella mused.

"You're the very reason why I chose my career," Emma agreed, stroking her coconuts absent mindedly. The hall was silent as they talked amongst themselves. Poor Voldy sat in the corner, feeling slightly excluded. The vampires were talking way to low and fast for him to understand anything and he felt as if they were taking over the operation that was his idea in the first place.

He'd even missed out on what had happened in the clearing as he was unconscious for most of it. And now he was sitting in this empty room, feeling slightly emo as he sat unmoving, red eyes staring down at the tiled floors.

"Hey, Voldy's getting bored. Give him something to do," Alice's voice said and a second later, a small portable DVD player was set up in front of him.

"You're not a very good babysitter," Edward pointed out, "He's not having fun."

Voldy was slightly offended by the fact that he needs a babysitter. Then he remembered that they were all older than him, except for Bella.

"I don't care how good of a job I do," Alice pouted, "I'm not getting paid with a brand new sports car this time."

"Good point. Just give him the movie then," Edward shrugged and turned back to the conversation. Alice put in the disk and pressed play, chattering off in her high pitched voice.

"Happy Feet? You're showing me Happy Feet?" Voldy exclaimed.

"Yeah, well. He was quite the star." Alice said, already striding back to the circle of vampires.

"Was?" Voldy asked, confused at the use of past tense terms.

"About that," Bella chuckled nervously, "See, when I was first changed, Edward and I took a trip to Antarctica and there was this tap dancing penguin so I ate it. Oh, I couldn't' help myself! It was an accident!"

"You ate Happy Feet?" Voldy gasped, "What kind of a monster are you? Do you eat puppies and kittens too?"

"Well…"

"AAAHHH, I don't want to hear it. La la la la la," Voldy plugged his ears and sang, turning back to the movie and mourning the loss of the dancing penguin.

The day passed quickly, for the vampire at least, and soon, Alice's bell like voice rang out, "And TIIIIMMME'S UP! Come on out! We want to see those outfits!"


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

**(Author's Note: So sorry for not updating in so long, but I've updated now. Go check our Youtube video which is crappy because Emma's camera died so we had to use my cell phone. Anyways, search 'Look I Cut My Finger' in the search bar on Youtube and click on the one by VeggieVamp1124. I think it's the first one. Oh and the joke about the British accents is that my friend is from England and everybody keeps asking her to say stuff like 'toffee' and 'biscuits'. I'm not trying to be racist or anything. No offense is meant.)**

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**I don't own Twilight or Harry Potter **

(Harry Potter)

Ginny was cutting her fabric into different shapes when there was a sharp tap at the door. "Who is it?" She called, thinking it might have been one of the judges with the weird name. Like Emille.

"It's Harry! Ginny, we need to talk!" The voice called. Ginny gritted her teeth and snapped her scissors menacingly. Her perfectly cut shape for her ball gown got a gash through it as her hand slipped.

Cursing his knack for always picking the worst time for heart-to-heart talks, she shouted, "WHAT? I am trying to win a beauty pageant here!"

"Ginny! I love you!" Harry screamed back and Ginny dropped everything she was holding and rushed to the door. "Oh, Harry! I love you too! But there is one solid thing that separates our love."

Harry was very confused, "What is it?"

"This stupid door. UGH."

(Twilight)

_Alice's bell like voice rang out, "And TIIIIMMME'S UP! Come on out! We want to see those outfits!"_

The lights flashed on the runway that had been set up and Voldy had finally managed to pull himself together after lamenting the loss of a special penguin. Bella chuckled nervously as the contestants began filing out in their own creations.

"Boring. Horrendous. Dreadful. AHHH! I can't bear to look at you! You dress worse than Bella and Jacob combined!" Alice screamed, covering her face after each contestant. She was worse than Simon Cowell, except instead of criticizing music, she was screaming at their apparent lack of fashion sense.

"That one wasn't bad," Emmett muttered as a girl strutted down the runway with a stunning dress made from shimmering green and silver fabric.

"Shut up, you gay French man," Alice raged. She was on a roll as she frantically jotted down scores of comments on each of the contestant's cards.

"HA! See?" Rosalie crowed triumphantly, "Even the freak thinks your name is weird."

"Well, find me something for my burning throat before I bite your head off. I'd say that'll look pretty weird," Emmett retorted. Rosalie smirked but restrained further comments on her husband's alias.

"Wow! Stunning!" Alice suddenly exclaimed, throwing her hands out and hitting Emma in the face. Emma instinctively reached for her coconuts as her first line of self defense.

"Hold the coconuts, Miss Awesome because that girl's design is perfect!" Alice rambled, pointing to the girl on the runway. The girl was blond with wide dreamy eyes. She was as skinny as a twig but what everyone noticed the most was the fact that she was wearing a garbage bag.

"What is you name?" Alice asked excitedly.

"Luna Lovegood," The girl answered, smoothing down the front of her 'dress' elegantly. Rosalie started sniggering into her hand and Edward had to leave the room because he was laughing so hard; this coming from a guy who only wears cashmere sweaters.

"Luna! You are a finalist of round one!" Alice exclaimed. The girl thanked her and threw prickly, onion like bulbs into the crowd before skipping off. Emma examined the onion like fruit carefully. Alice grabbed the unrecognizable object from her before she starts getting ideas.

"What was so good about her design?" Bella asked, offended, "At least I dress better than she does."

"WRONGO, the reigning queen of no-fashion-sense." Alice snorted, "That outfit was so retro. It was amazing."

"Um…isn't it a little quiet?" Voldy spoke up tentatively. Everybody looked around. Sure, Edward was gone and Bella had just took off after him. Emmett and Rosalie were bickering in the corner as usual with Emma hovering over them. Alice was still judging and Jasper stood behind her solemnly. There was an obvious absence of a peculiar peppy cheerleader.

"Where's Alo -" Jasper started but before he could answer, he was interrupted by a loud squeal.

"GUYS! Like look it! I like have like a boyfriend! Isn't he like so like prettiful?" Alora sang, tugging a grinning boy behind her. He was of average height with chestnut hair. "His name is Dean Thomas and we are like absolute soul mates! He is so like amusing!"

"Hello," The boy said. All vampires greeted him cheerfully.

"He is so like cool. Listen to this," Alora cleared her throat, "Dean, say toffee."

"Toffee," The boy said in his amazing British accent. Everybody cracked up.

"Okay, like now like say 'biscuits and tea'," Alora instructed. Dean repeated after her like a parrot. Alice giggled.

Emma came to see why everybody was gathering around Alora, "Hey, guys, what's up? I fixed Rosalie and Emmett's quarrel again with my amazing method. Yum, what is that, a snack?"

And before poor little Dean could say one word in his British Accent, he was drained dry by Emma Ostrander.

A piercing wail filled the air as Alora screamed, "YOU LIKE ATE LIKE MY BOYFRIEND!"

"Oops," Emma mouthed.

"Emma. What did we say about eating humans?" Jasper commanded sternly, glad that he was the one giving the speech, not the one the speech was given to, "For the last time, don't eat Hogwarts students! Remember last week?"

"Hey, that wasn't my fault," Emma whined, "How was I supposed to know they were all hiding in the broom cupboard from some bully? I thought they were like one of those packaged sardine things that humans eat. They were all crowded into this little space."

"No eating humans," Jasper repeated again.

Alora kept interrupting with random wails throughout the judging but at the end, eight finalists were selected to proceed to the next round.

"Alright, so this list contains the names of the eight finalists. The task will be in a month. Until then, good luck to all!" Alice announced, and then ran away quickly as all girls fought to get to the list.

**8 Top Finalists of Hogwarts**

"**Like Me: Task #1"**

**Luna Lovegood**

**Ginerva Weasley**

**Eloise Midgen**

**Lavender Brown**

**Parvati Patil**

**Lisa Turpin**

**Rose Zeller**

**Neville Longbottom**

"


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

**(Author's Note: Did you spot the mistake in the previous chapter? I just noticed it today and went back to fix it. Chapter 22's title originally read 'Chapter 21'. Sorry for the confusion but it's all fixed. Sorry for not updating but my coven and I have been busy FILMING YOUTUBE VIDEOS for you, our target audience. Please subscribe to our channel, Veggievamp1124)**

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**I don't own Twilight or Harry Potter **

(Harry Potter)

Ginny, no longer known as Ginerva as nobody remembered to call her that, not even the author, was in a furious make-out feast with Harry Potter, its intensity strong enough to challenge that of Bella and Edward. While in their world record attempt to hold their breaths the longest, a mob of girls trampled past them, screaming as they ran towards the list.

"Shall we go see who the lucky eight are?" Harry asked in that amazingly attractive British accent as he offered Ginny his arm. She hung onto it gladly and made her way over to the list.

"Luna Lovegood?" Harry exclaimed. "I didn't know she had an drop of fashion sense in her blood but she must know how to dress good. Mmmm…" His eyes shifted curiously to Luna who was surrounded by a mob, some congratulating her and most wanting to drop an anvil on her head.

"I made it!" Ginny shrieked, throwing her hands up in the air in excitement. Just then, Luna made her way through the crowd in her signature garbage bag dress that was pronounced 'retro' by the Judge Alicia.

"Congrats, Ginny!" Luna shouted happily.

"Where's your charm to ward off puppy eaters?" Ginny asked curiously.

"Oh, I got tired of that. I have a new cause to support," Luna replied, "Wanna join the POOP association?"

"Er…do I want to know?" Ginny raised an eyebrow.

"Well, it stands for Parade Of Overfed Pygmy-Puffs. We help those poor overweight creatures get to a healthy lifestyle and then we show them off at a parade at the end of the eight week training camp. It's amazing. Here, have a badge and a onion," Luna shoved some items into Ginny's arms.

Ginny accepted them with a bewildered look on her face as if she has no idea what she's getting herself into.

"With names like that, you should join another club," Harry mumbled, "The one for people who come up with horrible and unappealing names. I'm sure Hermione will recruit you."

"What was that?" Luna asked, not hearing Harry's comment.

"Nothing," he said hastily.

"So let me get this straight," Ginny said slowly, as if figuring out a hard problem (like what was the purpose of a rubber duck) in her head, "you want to start a group for fat pygmy puffs."

"That's rude!" Luna snapped, "It'll hurt their self esteem. They're not fat. They prefer to be called 'overfed' or 'overweight' or maybe 'big-boned'. I think you should get Arnold to join. He's sporting a bit of a belly these days."

"Arnold doesn't need to apply to some Food-holics Annonymous," Ginny snapped before she stalked off. Harry trailed after her like he had no idea what was going on. He passed the mysterious Big V as he chased after Ginny.

"MUST KILL!" Harry thought he heard Big V mutter but he wasn't sure. Confused as to why the hot male supermodel wanted to kill him, Harry merely shook his head, pressed his hand to his scar which had started to sear again, and ran forwards.

(Twilight)

"- very dangerous and stupid. You almost blew our cover!" Rosalie was ranting at Voldy as the other vampires lounged around. Alora was chewing gum, another human treat that she grew to love and was blowing a bubble as big as her head.

"But, but, but, but," Voldy whimpered under his breath. Rosalie silenced him with a death glare and then went to sit in 'Emile's lap.

"As Shakespeare would say -" Edward began but everybody silenced him by placing their hand over their ears and singing loudly. "Fine, be that way. It's not my fault nobody appreciates good writing pieces," He muttered.

"Speaking of good writing pieces," the orange-eyed vampire began, talking for perhaps the third time this trip.

"Don't start with me!" Rosalie growled, "You're the one stalking us randomly with a pad of notebook and a pen and writing down everything we do or say. I don't even remember how we met you. Were you just a hobo on the street and just decided to follow us randomly?"

"Maybe."

"Uh-huh. Yeah. Be quiet."

"Okay."

Then all was silent, until the cricket started chirping loudly again, striking up a symphony. Bella and Edward had gone back to Forks for a while, just to check up on Carlisle, Esme and their daughter.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH… (That is actually just a phrase. The Cullens do not live on a ranch. They live in a mansion. It is just an expression, meaning, meanwhile, back to wherever we were before. This is used in a completely wrong context in this part of the story since it doesn't actually mean what I want to say. But I'm just typing this to take up room and now I will stop ranting.)

There was a great deal of screaming and hugging when Bella and Edward walked through the door. Esme, as usual, forced cups of blood into their hands and made them sit down and tell her all about the big trip.

Suddenly, the door flew open and standing there, was a completely translucent James. "It is I!" He cried, "James the Ghost, coming back to get my revenge!"

"Either I overdosed on my pills today or that is the most random thing I've ever seen," Jacob commented and Renesmee snuggled up next to him.

"Um, can you like possess people?" Bella asked curiously.

"Well…no…" The ghost stuttered.

"Do you have the strength to harm someone?" Carlisle inquired.

"Um…yes?" The ghost tried to sound convincing but Edward snorted softly under his breath. "Okay, FINE! I don't have any vampire powers or perhaps even human powers but I will annoy you to get my revenge!"

"We live with Alice and Rosalie. I think the 'annoyance' act it so old," Bella rolled her eyes.

"Oh yeah? Well watch this!" And with a gust of wind, James' ghost knocked Esme's million dollar vase off the table, making it shatter into a hundred pieces. "Take that!"

"Oh, its okay. I have more," Esme replied calmly, opening a cupboard to reveal dozens of the same vase. She placed one on the table. With a roar of frustration, the gust of wind acted up again and every vase from the cupboard fell to the ground in a loud crash.

"Don't worry. Plenty where that came from!" Esme reassured everyone as she yanked open the basement door. The entire basement was stuffed with the same vase. But James the Ghost seemed to have found Jasper's army stash. A bomb was set off and the entire house was blown up.

"Ha! Now you are homeless!" James crowed triumphantly and disappeared, having had finished his unfinished business.

"Oh Esme!" Bella exclaimed, "What are you to do now? I am so sorry! This is all my fault"

"Oh, don't be silly, Bella," Carlisle chuckled, "we have a million estates just like this over the world. In fact, most of them are mansions much grander than this one filled with more precious vases and furniture."

"Wait a minute…" Bella held her hands up, "if you have a million gigantic houses, why did you get me that stupid cottage for my birthday?"

Esme looked hurt, "I thought you liked the cottage." She whimpered, making a puppy face.

"I did…until I saw it lying in ruins. The entire cottage broke!" Bella yelled, something she rarely does.

"Well, its you and Edward to blame for that," Carlisle laughed. Edward looked away awkwardly but Bella continued her heated argument.

"It wasn't me and Edward. It was somebody else," her eyes narrowed. Jacob and Renesmee exchanged sheepish looks. Renesmee whispered 'oops' softly under her breath.

"Nessie and Jake?" Bella screeched. "You guys broke my present!"

"Um, does that mean I'm grounded?" Renesmee spoke up tentatively.

"I hope you used protection, Jacob," Esme scolded, "We don't need half shape shifter, quarter vampire, quarter human babies running around here. I have a hard time just looking after you two." Then another awkward silence ensued.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

**(Author's Note: Fellow vampires and humans, I am happy to announce that I will now update my stories! I've been super busy and I do have a life outside of Fanfiction and YouTube. Yes, believe it or not. Please be patient with me!)**

********

**Post Scriptum: I don't own Twilight or Harry Potter **

(Harry Potter)

Ginny was now quite happy with her life. She had her boyfriend back for the thirty-first time, and Luna no longer shrieked the ancient Mayan chant whenever she say Ginny snacking on a pomegranate. And being one of the eight finalists, Ginny felt prepared for the second round.

The night was setting on Hogwarts, and Harry held Ginny's hand as they stood in a perfect atmosphere of romantic cheesi-ness. And no, there was no pizza.

"I don't know why, but I feel we will be separated soon…" Harry told Ginny.

"And why would you say that?" She asked, curious.

"Well for two reasons, really. One is that this fashion show seems a bit too much like something copied out of the Goblet of Fire and some of those judges seem mentally unstable. I'm pretty sure you could go to jail for plagiarism and secondly, all characters in romantic films say that."

"You watch too much TV," Ginny sighed, prodding Harry in the arm. "Go outside. Breathe a little fresh air. And for heaven's sake, if you're going to use your internet, at least clear your browsing history once in a while. It's creeping me out."

"It's perfectly normal when a boy hits puberty," Harry stated in a matter-of-factly voice.

"I'm pretty sure that time passed three years ago. I didn't forgot those temper tantrums you had. If I didn't know better, I thought you were PMS-ing." Ginny accused. "Anyways, see you tomorrow. I need to train for my next task."

"I'll definitely help," Harry agreed, "oh, by the way, I bought a ballgown today."

"Aww…Harry, that's so sweet," Ginny gushed, "How did you know I needed a new ballgown?"

Harry frowned as he turned to leave, "I never said it was for you."

(Twilight)

Bella and Edward entered the astronomy tower quietly. They found everybody wide awake except for Voldy, who was hugging Mr. Chuckles and drooling on him. They ignored him as they sat down on a nearby loveseats.

"Oh joy. The lovebirds are back," Rosalie snorted, rolling her eyes. She seemed oblivious that she was the one sitting on Emmett's lap and was just in the middle of a full make out session two seconds ago.

"Bella! I missed you! I can't go five minutes without needing to criticize someone's wardrobe and you're the only one with bad enough fashion sense for me to do that!" Alice chatted cheerfully. Bella raised an eyebrow.

"You sure make me feel better, Alice," she replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I know, right?" Alice beamed. "And Jazzy thinks so too. I mean he probably loves me so much, he doesn't' even care about the forty-six men that were courting me over the last week and he probably doesn't care that I hooked up with a sexy British guy last night."

"What?" Jasper spluttered, his pale face turning an interesting shade of gray.

"This is why you think before you speak but apparently, some of us lack what is called, a brain." Rosalie muttered, now filing her nails absently mindedly, a quite pointless act as vampire nails could not be filed or clipped.

"Miss Awesome is for hire!" Emma shouted, jumping up eagerly, "I charge a measly $1 million per hour! I am the best vampire marriage counselor, after all."

"You're the ONLY vampire marriage counselor," Rosalie pointed out again. "And even then, you're probably the worst."

"Why are you like such like a party like pooper, Rose?" Alora pouted, "Have some like fun! Live like a little."

"Live? I can't, you stupid blond of a cheerleader! I don't know if you've noticed, but we're kind of vampires, and vampires are kind of dead. I don't know if its obvious or anything but I think most people would realize it if they're missing a pulse!" Rosalie then stormed to sulk in the corner.

Soon, everyone was yelling at one another. Alice and Jasper bickered about her slip of the tongue, Emmett argued with Rosalie about how she hated her life, Edward and Bella bickered about 'being responsible over your daughter' and Emma and Alora had a strange fight.

"Why are we like yelling?" Alora yelled at Emma.

'I don't know, but everyone else is, so we should probably copy them!" Emma yelled back.

"Good like point. Let's yell like some more!"

When Voldy awoke, he found the room in absolute chaos. Jasper had thrown Alice across the room and was snarling at her. Rosalie's hand was whacking Emmett over the head with her metal nail file, Bella and Edward were now arguing over a fresh divorce document and Emma was chucking coconuts at the floor. Alora, having no idea what was going on, was simply shrieking every annoying MTV popularized song that she knew.

"QUIET!" Voldy screamed, and for once, everyone obeyed.

"Now," he said calmly, "What is the problem here?"

"Alice started it!" Rosalie whined. Emmett cowered away from Rosalie and backed up into Emma, and then he shied away from Emma once he saw the coconuts in her hand.

"You are acting like a whole bunch of humans!" Voldy exclaimed impatiently, "You are all mental. I'm ashamed that I've ever asked you bunch for help!"

There was a silence throughout the room. Then the room was filled with snarling vampires. Emma crept towards Voldy, "Listen, you weak human," She hissed, "We could kill you faster than Harry Potter can pull out his razors. If you say one more thing about the noble vampire race, you will be dinner, understood?"

Voldy whimpered.

"Like excellent! Let's all like go to like Starbucks and like get some like coffee!" Alora yelled.

"DUCT TAPE!" "Get the duct tape!" "Where is it?" "HURRY!"

"It was like just like a suggestion," Alora grumbled.

"Listen up, this insaneness had gone on too long," Bella called, finally restoring order after a quick kiss-and-make-up scenario with Edward. "We now need to plan the second task. Ginny has to win and we have to win!"

"FORESHADOW!" Emmett roared, "Excellent."

Poor Voldy was hopelessly confused.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: (**WARNING! This chapter has been written by people who have no idea how to write. Anne has left me, (Emma) and the insane one (Alora) adopt her story so that we may continue it. We would like to apologize in advance for whatever has been spawned…Anne would like to add that she is still quite an active participant in the writing in this story (NOT!) for she is reading Harry Potter fanfics during the process in which her friends do all her dirty work for her.)

(Twilight)

"Wait!" Alice shouted dramatically from her corner. She was silent for several moments as the rest of their group stared on. "Have any of you noticed how extremely far off from the plot line we are?"

"…There was a plot line in this story?"

"Oh, um…never mind."

(Harry Potter)

And now a look into the mind of Harry Potter…

" – WHIMSICALITY! – …"

(Harry Potter vs. Twilight vs. Transformers)

One day, Voldy and Edward were out in the Forbidden Forest, taking a lovely daytime stroll. The weather was pleasant and the sun was shining, making Edward sparkle like he was a victim of a freak body glitter accident. Suddenly a humongous BOOM sounded from somewhere deeper into the forest. Big V drew his wand as Edward pouted moodily in preparation for what ever was making such loud noises.

Suddenly they entered a clearing where four giant alien robots were having a Super Smash Bros. Brawl party. As the two extremely pale figures watched, another human figure ran by panting and muttering the words,

"!" Over and over and over again.

"Hey, was that…?" Edward began. Voldy nodded.

"…the douche-bag prince?"

The robots were tearing into each other like no tomorrow. The three larger seemed to be ganging up on the smaller red and blue one.

"There is another source of energon on this planet! The boy can lead us there!"

"You'll never stop at – really?" The red and blue one froze. Shia Lebeouf (a.k.a Prince douche-bag) stood, gaping up at the smaller robot.

"OPTIMUUUS!" Shia whined. Another man holding a bullhorn appeared from behind a tree.

"Prime! That's not your line!"

"Wha-? Er, sorry Michael…" The robot, Optimus, turned back to his attackers, putting his fists up.

"Give me your face!"

(Harry Potter)

"……"

(Harry Potter vs. Twilight vs. Transformers)

"And who the hell are you? Edward Cullen from Twilight and Voldemort from Harry Potter! Ha! You're not supposed to be in my movie!" Michael cried dramatically, "You're ruining my vision… I-I can't work with this…" Overly dramatic tears then started to well up in his eyes.

"I need to go kill another franchise…"

(Neo Pets vs. Twilight)

"What the fuck are those…?" Jasper exclaimed. "I'm trying to make them gloomier, but it's just-not-working!" Jasper then burst out into tears. "It's ok Jasper…" Alice then stared off into a daze, "What did you see Alice?" Jasper asked hopefully as everyone crowded. "It's a –"

BOOM!

Suddenly all the Neo Pets exploded in one massive Baysplosion as the director cheered happily, his sadness Harry Potter like angst disappeared in a cloud of flames and burning bits of Neo Pet.

"No seriously, what the fuck were those horrible things? Because they kind of reminded me of Jessica." Jasper said with a breath of relief.

"Mommy! Mommy! My Neo Pet just Baysploded!"

(Transformers)

Then, Jazz's ghost randomly appeared behind Michael Bay.

"…_Boo… lil' bitch…"_

(?)

Michael Bay sweat-dropped as he back from a pissed off looking Jazz's ghost rounded on him.

"L-look, Jazz, n-no hard feeling about killing you off, huh?" Jazz did not reply as he was seething over the fact that he had been miss-led.

"_I'm going to sue you for false advertisement! 'Revenge of The Fallen'? I was getting' all worked up that I would finally be able to come back when you spring _this_ slag heap on us!"_

"Well, that-t's the way showb-buissness works. I'll see you l-later, k-kay?"

"_You won't have to wait for very long. You're coming with me to hell!" _Jazzthen threw Mikey boy in the middle of the fight where he got crushed to his ever so very painful doom.

(Harry Potter)

"……"

Harry never actually did leave his corner from that day. Some say he was depressed, some say he wanted to starve himself to death, others say Voldemort cursed him so he could never stand up and leave the corner, but only the right people know that it was the psycho therapist (who was pretty insane herself) and a lip-gloss-applier, crazy, blonde, cheerleader that drove him mad in that corner.

(Twilight)

"And the winner is…" Alice announced. There was a flash of sudden bright light that drew the attention of everyone in the audience (which was only made up of the Cullens'). The light then shut off and left only the all the Cullens' and all the contestants' dead carcasses on the floor. The blonde cheerleader and the therapist then wiped their mouths, dusted off their hands, and walked away casually into the sunset.

(Transformers)

"Ok, you got the body right?" Alora asked hopefully. "No, I forgot it. Of course I got it dumb shit!" "Ready? Go!"

They quickly uncover Megan Fox's body and yell "Look it's Megan Fox!" Everyone turned their head and that was the signal to get killing.

Emma and Alora then went on their massive killing spree. "Optimus Prime! Give me your face!" Emma cried.

"Thanks Emma!" Alora said enthusiastically, "That was the best DOOMsday Party ever!"


End file.
